I guess you've heard the news about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie casting, right? Oh geez, don't yell at me! I know -- we're all disappointed. I don't mean to rub it in. I just bring it up because where the rest of us saw some baffling decision making, one woman saw a golden opportunity. This weekend, Farrah Abraham read those headlines and wondered, Now how do I make this about me? Dingdingdingdingding! (Yes, that bell actually goes off in her head.) I know! Farrah thought to herself. I'll bring up that epic romance novel I'm supposedly writing and compare it again with Fifty Shades! And that's how we got our golden Farrah quote of the week: "Fifty Shades of Grey is gonna have their money."
Oh Farrah. 1. What?!? 2. I think you mean "my epic romance is gonna give Fifty Shades a run for its money." But I could be wrong, because Lord knows what the hell is going through your brain. Maybe you mean you paid E. L. James to write your epic romance for you, which also makes no sense. At any rate, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.
No scratch that. I like laughing. Do go on.
Tell us all about how your book is going to out-sexxx and out-sell Fifty Shades. Tell us how your wonders of grammar will make James' prose sound like Proust. Tell us about the plot lines that will tangle hopelessly, the profundity of your dialogue. ("Ooh baybeee." "Yesss, yesss.") Tell us all about how your book will fly off the shelves not just because it's a novelty, but because it's a novelty with staying power.
You know what? I think Farrah should just hire me as the ghostwriter. I KNOW she's not writing it herself because she has trouble enough stringing together a coherent sentence. I would actually love the chance to give Fifty Shades of Grey a run for its money.
Do you think Farrah Abraham's novel will compete at all with Fifty Shades?
Image via Farrah Abraham/Twitter
I create a special savings account
I put a little away at a time
I cut corners until I can afford it
Save? Who has money to save?
I plan to put it on my credit card and love the benefits of the reward program