I, for one, have been looking forward to the premiere of Bravo's Tamra's OC Wedding since I learned of its inception. Tamra Barney, my favorite of the OC Housewives, planning her third walk down the aisle with her sexy Latin paramour Eddie Judge? Sign. Me. Up. I was not disappointed.
Tam-Tam is sparing no expense. She's hired Diann Valentine, celebrity wedding planner, to make her big day flawless. Valentine's client roster includes Usher, which seems to really excite everyone so we won't dwell on how that union totally didn't work out. Plus, she's promised a row of harpists. A row, y'all. It's enough to make Tam's "best-man" Ricky Santana literally swoon: "Harpists Tamra, HARPISTS!"
Tamra has no idea what she wants for this wedding. Not the flowers, the cake, the music -- any of it! She keeps mumbling stuff about Eddie's passion for Gummi Bears ("he wants one on top of the cake") and a need to insert "Latin flair." This confuses everyone including bridesmaid Vicki Gunvalson, who asks, "So, like, a sombrero on the cake?" Oh Vicki, with her casual, baffled, racism -- that lovable scamp.
Tamra does know that she wants her grown-up son Ryan Vieth to give her away. Aw, touching! I always forget that Tamra has roughly 87 children. I'm childless, and I look closer to having birthed that many kids than she does. Then again to be fair (to myself), the woman does OWN a gym.
Eddie is equally psyched to get married "for real," since they both have decided their previous unions "don't count." (Aaaaand cue Simon Barney's inevitable Twitter rant.) In a very I Love Lucy exchange, it becomes clear Eddie's tweaking about the budget for this wedding, which, to Tamra's mind, doesn't exist. She's talking about butterflies flying out of the invitations and buying a $2,500 cake. For that many dollars, I could buy enough cakes to live on, most likely until my death. From cake eating.
Just when I started to giggle nervously at Eddie referring to Gretchen Rossi and Alexis Bellino as "that" instead of as, uh, people with names, the couple and their buddies gallivant off to Vegas for a joint bachelor and bachelorette party! Yay! A terrible idea!
Vicki couldn't make the trip (*cough* Brooks Ayers is a tool *cough*). Luckily, fellow bridesmaid Heather Dubrow and hubs Doctor Terry "Be My Uncle" Dubrow join up for the fun. As the group gets ready to divide up into guys and girls for the night, Tamra's exploits with the Mexican strippers are revisited, and Eddie gets mad. He's jealous enough that he decides it's a brilliant idea to let a stripper put her full boob in his mouth. I was aghast! So was Dr. Terry. Being the best, Dr. Terry says, "All these half-clothed women, it's like another day at the office." Then he sends his wife a pic of the raunchy proceedings! Heather was hilariously shocked. "Oh my god," she whispers, staring at her phone, "Can you get a disease from nipple biting?" I don't know, Heather, but I do know that the stripper was named Alize, and for that ingenuity alone I salute her.
Tamra "confronted" Eddie about his handsy antics, and Terry totally got blamed for everything. Uncool! LEAVE DR. TERRY ALONE! Luckily for us as this is only the first episode of the show, Tamra and Eddie talked it out and decided to a) still get married and b) go have sushi for dinner. #romanceyall.
What did you think of the premiere? Do you think joint bachelor and bachelorette parties are a good idea or a recipe for disaster?
Image via Bravo