Yesterday when I wrote about Lindsay Lohan picking on Kristen Stewart, I said she should go for some bigger fish. And last night on Chelsea Lately, she did not disappoint -- she took on Justin Bieber, Anthony Weiner, One Direction's Harry Styles -- even Chelsea Handler and herself. Excellent. But best of all, LiLo went after Mr. Kanye West. Oh Kanye, he provides such rich, delicious material for jokes. Because. Kanye.
Such a gift, and what does Lindsay do? She makes a couple of weak jokes and moves on. MOVES ON! Kanye with all his wacky Kanyeness and she just makes two lame jokes? Ugh. Here they are. Let's discuss.
Lame Kanye joke #1: She thanks Kanye for "acting like a baby and making a baby" with Kim Kardashian. (I guess that gets a "heh" for accuracy.)
Lame Kanye joke #2: "How come when Kanye acts like an idiot, he gets a gold record, but when I act like an idiot, I get a police record? I still haven't figured that out." (SIGH. Because as batty as Kanye is, he makes some pretty amazing shit. And you do not. That is why.)
Really, you could do an entire Chelsea Lately special just on Kanye West quotes. And let me be clear here -- I respect the guy as an artist, and I know his mother's death was extremely hard on him. But damn, his interviews are the funniest interviews of all time. Will you please enjoy these Kanyesms with me?
1. On Watch the Throne, his 2011 collaboration with Jay-Z: “It was like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates talking at the same time. You know which one of us was Steve.”
2. “You know how they say, ‘Jack of all trades, master of none’? I want to be master of all. And not even to be a jack but a king. In fact, not even a king. An ace.”
3. “I’m Christian in the same way that people have issues with certain elements of Christianity. It’s like if you go into a Ralph Lauren store, maybe that buyer didn’t do the exact buy that you want, but you still really like that brand.”
4. “Visiting my mind is like visiting the Hermès factory. Shit is real. You’re not going to find a chink. It’s 100,000 percent Jimi Hendrix.”
5. “God’s little practical joke on me -- as an intellect who doesn’t like to read a lot -- is like, I’ll say some super-philosophical shit, but I’ll say it the wrong way. I’ll use the wrong word, so it goes from being really special to completely retarded.” (Kanye, we don't use that word that way.)
6. When Kris Jenner hears a song from Kanye's new album and says, "Great job!”: "Great job?" (Toasting with a champagne flute) "Great job, Baccarat, for making a glass that can hold liquid!” (Looking down at his waist) “Great job, belt loops, for keeping my pants up!”
7. “I care about everything. Sometimes not giving a fuck is caring the most.”
8. And finally, two different takes on what the song "I Am God" is all about.
"I wrote 'I Am a God' 'cause it’s like, yo! Nobody can tell me where I can and can’t go. Man, I’m the #1 living and breathing rock star. I am Axl Rose; I am Jim Morrison; I am Jimi Hendrix.”
“I made that song because I am a god." (Laughs) "I don’t think there’s much more explanation. I’m not going to sit here and defend shit. That shit is rock ’n’ roll, man. That shit is rap music. I am a god. Now what?”
And all of that is just from one little interview W magazine did with Kanye. So many Easter eggs! Now come on, can we please get serious about making fun of Kanye? LiLo, you need a new writer. Also, I may be just a little bit obsessed with Kanye West.
What's your favorite Kanye West quote or moment?
Image via Pacific Coast News