Eternally critical and grumpy Simon Cowell is going to become ... a Daddy! Yes, believe it or not, stalwart bachelor Simon, a guy who said he never wanted kids because they might "draw on [his] walls," has a bun in the oven of a beautiful brunette socialite named Lauren Silverman. Small catch? Lauren is married ... to Simon's good friend. I'm trying to think what snarky thing Simon could say to himself right now. Maybe something like, "That was corny and desperate ... knocking up your friend's wife ... really, keep your day job ... zip it, please ... that's two minutes of my life I will never get back ... pack your suitcase ... utterly atrocious!"

Lauren is still "technically" married to Simon's friend Andrew Silverman, but reportedly when their marriage began to fail, she turned to good pal Simon for comfort ... and, well, you know how these things go.

Simon had been a long-time fixture in Lauren and her husband's life -- attending their holiday parties and vacationing with them -- so I wonder how hubster feels knowing Simon swooped in and signed his lady to an 18-year baby contract.

A source told US Weekly:

Lauren and Andrew have been unhappy in their marriage for some time, and their divorce has been in the works for a while. As their marriage deteriorated, she and Simon became close.

There is nothing like having your friend comfort your wife while your marriage hits the skids, amiright?

Anyway, it will be interesting to see how Simon does with fatherhood, considering he's said he never wants kids. He once reportedly said in an interview:

God, no. I couldn't have children. If I had them here drawing on the walls I'd go nuts. With kids, you've got a routine you can't escape from. You've got to be up at a certain time. Got to listen. When all you want to do is sit in a corner thinking.

Ah, who knows. I bet in eight months time we'll be hearing how much fatherhood has changed him, and how he never knew the meaning of life until now, blah blah blah. I just hope he doesn't stand around lobbing snarky remarks at his kid's poopy performances. Something like, "That ... is ... disgusting! Good-bye!"

Do you think Simon will be a good dad?


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