kim kardashianAmanda Bynes may be in celeb free fall at the moment, but she's got someone important-ish in her corner. Kris Jenner told Ryan Seacrest that the whole Kardashian family is concerned about Amanda, especially Kim. "Kim loves Amanda. She's obsessed with her and really wants her to be fabulous and get well." Wow, Kim is obsessed with Amanda? That's... so no surprising, actually. So we decided to turn The Stir over to Kim and let her write a blog post giving Amanda Bynes some sisterly advice. Here's why Kim said, as dictated to me.*

Amandaaahhh, I'm, like, such a fan! You're, like, so cuuute. I loved your movies. But why are you so messed up? It just makes me so sad. You could be like awesome and everything, but instead you're lighting fires and dying your hair all kind of weird, unflattering colors. Sweetie, can we talk?

(You know what Amanda's going to say: "No. You're ugly." Only she'll Tweet it instead of saying it out loud. But I know can win her over.)

Now Amanda, you know I'm gorgeous. Shut up and listen to Auntie Kim. Here's what we need to do. I want you do be fabulous, do you hear me? FABULOUS! Like I am. Was. Before the baby. I'm going to get fabulous again, I swear. I'm almost there. Let's get fabulous together, okay?

Okay, so first of all, let your hair grow out and let's dye it dark brown. We'll fill it in with extensions in the meantime. I'm sending you to my hairdresser, and then no more plastic surgery. I know -- is this really ME talking? But seriously, you've had too much. Stop it. Stop it now. 

Then we go shopping! I know you already love shopping, in a weird way. But I think we need to get you some monochromatic bandage dresses. Or you know what? You're so creative and crazy, maybe you should meet my boyfriend, Kanye. We should totally go shopping with Kanye! This is going to be so fun. You should see what he picked out for me.

Ooh, maybe he could set you up with one of his friends. You're not dating anyone right now, are you? Hmm. We need to do something about that.

Okay, so now we have to talk about getting well. There are spas, honey. You know this already. You check in, they take care of you, and you come out looking all relaxed and glowing. Can we please go to a spa together? It would be so fun! I'm dying to try this new one in Bali that Kanye loves.

After the spa, we sign you up with my nutritionist and he makes you all these green smoothies. They're so not fun, but believe me, your insides will work so much better (if you know what I mean) and you'll have loads of energy. Organic everything, forever.

Amanda, will you move in with me? They've got me trapped in my mom's house, and they're making me drink these green drinks and I'm DYING inside, do you hear me? DYING. I can't keep breastfeeding and exercising all day, every day like this. Help! Bring candy bars. No one has to know --

What? I'm not talking to anyone? I'm just -- (click)

And then the phone went dead. Oh well! We're publishing this anyway.

*Not really, but it would be awesome if this really happened, right? Kim, call me!

Do you think Kim could actually help Amanda if she let her?

 

Image via Pacific Coast News