Justin BieberI always feel a little bad for celebrities whose performance contracts -- you know, the diva-ish demands listed on their riders -- become public entertainment for everyone to snicker at. I mean, okay, I feel a little bad for about a second or two before I join the snickering, because seriously, A-listers' super-specific hospitality "needs" are inevitably hilarious. (The Foo Fighters once famously poked fun at the rider trend with a tongue-in-cheek list that included this helpful diagram for their ideal catered meal situation.)

Well, TMZ somehow got ahold of Justin Bieber's rider from a photo shoot earlier this month, and it's deeply entertaining on a number of levels. There's the peek into Bieber's list of food requests, which reveal his entourage's candy preferences, and his notes regarding how people should interact with him (spoiler alert: they shouldn't) -- but most interesting of all is his rule about his ex Selena Gomez.

I haven't completely kept up on the Bieber/Gomez situation, but it sounds like they're definitely positively for sure broken up this time, right? Even though they were playing smoochie-boochies back in April? Well, whatever's going on behind the scenes with those two, Bieber has a very specific request on his contract that mentions Gomez by name. Listed under "notes" is the following:

NO Cell Phones on Set
No autographs
do not speak to talent
No Selena Music on set

You hear that, Unnamed Media Publication? Don't approach Mr. Bieber, don't take his photo, don't try to talk to him, and for god's sake, do NOT play "Come & Get It."

In addition to the No Selena Music I Am Not Even Kidding Here I Will Freak OUT rule, Bieber requires herbal teas, a deli platter, veggie platter, Swedish Fish, Ritz Bits Peanut Butter Sandwiches, Haribo cola gummies, Ritz Bitz Cheese Sandwiches, and, somewhat mysteriously, a crap-ton of socks and T-shirts.

As far as riders go, it's not really that bad, especially considering some of the oddball hospitality demands reportedly made by other celebs. (Mary J. Blige: a brand new toilet seat to be installed in her dressing room bathroom, Britney Spears: McDonald's cheeseburgers, 100 figs and prunes, and a framed photo of Princess Diana.)

But the Selena mention is certainly odd, isn't it? It makes you wonder if that sort of thing had really become a major problem, perhaps as the result of some sort of ... Unfortunate Incident.

Justin enters the set, studiously avoiding the gaze of any Rolling Stone employees. "No one had better talk to the TALENT," he thinks. He reaches for a much-needed gummy when he suddenly notices the background music. "Not 'Love You Like a Love Song' AGAIN," Justin sobs, turning to run before slipping on a stray Ritz Bitz -- dammit, his brand-new socks! -- and falling in a heap, where to his dismay, his pompadour collapses. "Cry me a river," Justin mumbles to the floor. "Cry me. Cry me."

What do you think of Justin Bieber's rider (assuming it's real)?


Image via Justin Bieber