Well, it's finally happened: one of Taylor Swift's famous exes has retaliated -- musically speaking, that is -- for being on the receiving end of her lyrics. For anyone who's ever been sick of the constant scrutiny over who Taylor Swift is singing about, this is great news! Now we can scrutinize someone else's equally crappy music for potential references to Taylor Swift!
God, it's like some sort of crappy vortex of immature public whining delivered via acoustic guitar, isn't it? But I have to hand it to her onetime lover, he's nailing headlines for producing a mostly blah-sounding song that people are eagerly deciphering like it's the frigging Da Vinci Code.
So John Mayer, cheesy soft-rocker high-profile dater extraordinaire, has just come out with a song called "Paper Doll," and everyone's preeeeeeeetty sure it's about Taylor Swift. You want evidence? Oh, I've got evidence:
• He was, like, totally pissed about her 2010 song "Dear John." Here's what he told Rolling Stone:
It made me feel terrible. Because I didn’t deserve it. I’m pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do. I never got an e-mail. I never got a phone call. I was really caught off-guard, and it really humiliated me at a time when I’d already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you’ve ever been, someone kicked you even lower?
• "Dear John" includes the line,
All the girls that you've run dry / Have tired, lifeless eyes / Cause you burned them out
• "Paper Doll" references running, and also the number 22, which is the name of that shitty Taylor Swift song OH MY GOD THIS CONSPIRACY GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!!!
You’re like 22 girls in one / And none of them know what they’re running from / Was it just too far to fall for a little paper doll?
• "Dear John" also has this line,
You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain
• "Paper Doll" retaliates with a little condescending pat on the back -- or is it SLUT SHAMING???
Someone’s gonna paint you another sky
Anyway, yeah, I'm pretty sure this is about Taylor Swift, and I'll give him a reluctant golf clap for the relatively creative insult of implying that she's less of a legitimate talent and more of a marketing gimmick by calling her a paper doll.
But really, the lyrics aren't the most notable thing about "Paper Doll." Why isn't anyone talking about how hilarious it is that he once referred to this sort of retaliation as "cheap songwriting"? To quote:
I will say as a songwriter that I think it’s kind of cheap songwriting. I know she’s the biggest thing in the world, and I’m not trying to sink anybody’s ship, but I think it’s abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, ‘Wait till he gets a load of this!’ That’s bullshit.
Plus, let's just muse on the fact that Mayer used the Prancercise lady for his video. I hope Taylor Swift's inevitable comeback song stars Grumpy Cat.
So, what do you ... oh god, I can't even come up with the required closing question here. Can we just mutually agree to groin-punch Taylor Swift and/or John Mayer if we ever see them in public?
Image via Taylor Swift