Exciting news out of Hollywood today, assuming "exciting" is an accurate term for a project that's probably indicative of the rapidly approaching collapse of civilization as we know it: Grumpy Cat has a movie deal. Yes, that Grumpy Cat. The sourpuss who launched a thousand memes. The star of a Facebook page with over 870,000 fans. The 2013 Webby Awards winner. The cat who who had a not-so-PR-friendly name before someone made the savvy move of explaining that "Tard" was short for "Tardar Sauce."
Everything about Grumpy Cat's announcement is so utterly deranged, I can't help but wonder if The Onion is behind this whole thing, but in the name of entertainment journalism, I will muster through to share the relevant details with you. Plus, I've got some backup casting ideas just in case Grumpy Cat, well ... you know. *draws index finger across throat, dramatically exhales death rattle through downturned mouth*
So apparently Grumpy Cat has multiple talent agents, including a man named Ben Lashes who has the intriguing job of representing viral Internet stars like Scumbag Steve, Rebecca Black, Nyan Cat (the ... animated character?), and the man behind Keyboard Cat. Grumpy's reps have teamed up with Broken Road productions, the creative geniuses who brought us Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Jack and Jill, in order to put together a package for a Garfield-like feature film starring Grumpy Cat.
If that chilling one-sentence descriptor didn't convince you of this project's merit, there's also the news that Grumpy Cat will be gifted with the power of speech for the film, so we can all enjoy the dialogue version of all those white-lettered zingers. No plot details have been released yet, but -- SPOILER ALERT!!! -- I'm guessing Grumpy Cat will be grumpy about a lot of stuff.
Broken Road's Todd Garner says the film is intended to bank off the cat's massive social media presence:
This started off as a picture of a cat, but rare is an image that evokes that much comedy. You read all of the memes and the comments, and one is funnier than the next. We think we can build a big family comedy around this character.
Grumpy Cat’s manager assures us that the whole movie will be live-action, and that the real Grumpy Cat will appear onscreen instead of an animated or CGI character. Which is good news for fans, but maybe a bit of a gamble for the studio, don't you think? It's not like there are a lot of cats that look like Tardar, in the unhappy event she needs to be replaced. To that end, I have the following stand-in casting suggestions:
GRUMPY CAT: THE MOVIE! Starring ...
Tommy Lee Jones!
Honey Boo Boo's Sugar Bear!
And Maggie from The Walking Dead!
In conclusion, everything about this movie sounds fucking terrible, and we only have ourselves to blame. It's probably only a matter of time until we see a 90-minute Rickroll hitting theaters, or a sensitive drama starring Feminist Ryan Gosling.
On a scale from I'd Rather Drink a Mason Jar Full of Puréed Spiders to Oh Boy Can I Pre-Purchase My Ticket NOW, how badly do you want to see a movie starring a talking Grumpy Cat?
Images via KnowYourMeme