OMG, only two episodes left of Game of Thrones after tonight, this cannot be happening. In "Second Sons," this week marks the hour before probably one of the most epic, heartbreaking moments of the third season, the Red Wedding (as all fans of A Storm of Swords know).
It's been an amazing season so far, and these last few episodes should be the best we've ever seen. This is why all fans of A Storm of Swords were trying to convince their friends to check out this season, and this season alone. And "Second Sons" did not disappoint.
There's only so much filler I'm sure you're willing to take. There are some massive SPOILERS AHEAD if you haven't seen "Second Sons." Please proceed with caution. After all, the Internet is dark and full of spoilers.
Well, they actually went through with it: It's Tyrion and Sansa's wedding day! How is it possible that we really don't want to see these two likable, good characters get hitched? "You'll be my wife. I suppose that is a different kind of prison," observes Tyrion. He tries to be kind and polite to her, and you can't help but feel badly for both of them, being pawns and sacrificing their happiness in this massive game of thrones. Still, Sansa, you could do FAR worse than Tyrion, trust me.
Case in point: Poor Sansa then gets even more humiliated by having to be given away by meh-inducing JOFFREY at her wedding. Excuse me while I vomit. It's the most awkward walk down the aisle I've ever seen. Then it's even more awkward when everyone laughs when Sansa has to bend down during the "cloaking." Then there's an even more awkward reception -- though an angry Tywin and a drunk Tyrion equal a pretty hilarious exchange. Tyrion, whammered, then threatens to cut off Joffrey's penis when Joffrey announces that it's time to do the "bedding," after Joffrey threatens to "visit" Sansa when his uncle passes out.
PS: Joffrey is disgusting.
How awful was this wedding. There are no words. Tyrion then refuses to consummate the marriage. He promises not to share their bed, until she wants him to. She twists the dagger by saying, "And what if I never want you to?" It's a good time for Tyrion to pass out. Luckily there is no visit from Joffrey.
Cersei doesn't make the festivities any better. "If you ever call me sister again, I'll have you strangled in your sleep," she says to Margaery, her soon-to-be daughter-in-law. Then she completely disses and dismisses Loras Tyrell, her soon-to-be husband. What an enjoyable affair, eh? I'm pretty sure that's been the worst wedding I've ever seen.
On the other side of the world, Daenerys meets the Titan's Bastard, aka Mero, the leader of Second Sons, a group of sellswords, hired by the city of Yunkai. Mero isn't sporting his signature long, red beard like in the book, but what can ya do. He's cocky and rude and makes advances at Dany. She tries to recruit them to fight for her in Westeros, but they feel they must keep to their contract with Yunkai. She offers them a barrel of wine as they mull over the offer. As she says to Barristan, "When it comes to battle, kill that one first." We all agree. But then Daario Naharis (sans blue beard) switches things up and kills his two captains after being told to murder Dany and then declares his "heart" and army for her. Gotta say it: He's a good-looking dude.
Stannis Baratheon admits to his long loyal soldier Davos that Melisandre is going to sacrifice poor Gendry, who has King Robert's blood in his veins. Melisandre flirts with Gendry and tries to get him drunk and strips -- it's weird and gross. Time to give birth to another shadow demon I guess? Well, apparently not: Sex turns into leeches because this is Game of Thrones ("not there!" -- ugh). Perfect time to note that this isn't a show you should watch with your parents. Stannis throws each leech into the fire while rattling off all the names of the kings of Westeros. We'll see if this makes any kind of difference.
But at least we get the moment when Samwell earns his nickname "Sam the Slayer." A whole bunch of crows start freaking out while Samwell and Gilly are bonding over what to name Gilly's newborn son. That means an Other is approaching, and Sam manages to kill it with dragonglass. In the book, a group of wights actually attacks them and Sam has to kill one of them with a piece of charred wood. And I was completely off with my prediction that Coldhands would make an appearance, and I'm pretty disappointed about that. Sorry fans!
FYI: No Game of Thrones next week during Memorial Day. What we're supposed to do until then -- um, I have no idea. This sucks.
What did you think of "Second Sons"?
Image via HBO