Kristen Stewart Could Win an Oscar for the Coveted Role in This ‘Teen Mom’ Movie

LOL 9

jenelle evans kristen stewartI'm going to try really hard to write this without laughing. But. IN THE MOVIE VERSION OF HER LIFE (crap, it's so hard) Jenelle Evans would like Kristen Stewart to play her. Can't you see it? Next, on Lifetime: "F$%& You All Bitches: The Jenelle Evans Story," starring Kristen Stewart. She had it all -- a reality TV show, plastic surgery, rad tattoos, douchebag lovers, a Twitter account, oh yeah, and a kid. Where is that kid, anyway? I mean, this movie needs to happen, right?

Haha. Right. Oh, to be young and delusional enough to think your short life story warrants a major motion picture -- starring Kristen $20-million-per-picture Stewart. Man, I could use some of that hubris. Know what I mean? But hey, someone actually asked! So let's talk about it. What would Kristen Stewart have to do to prepare for this role?

Get a Twitter account and use it. Yes, KStew would need to take to the Internets personally. She's the quiet type, so this will be a real stretch. The key? Start by typing out your activities every five minutes. Por ejemplo: "Decided to wear Rob's ironic Motörhead t-shirt today." Misspell and abbreviate whenever possible. "cided 2 wer Rob's eyeronic motorhed shirt todday." Maybe don't use the word "ironic" at all.

Take lots of selfies. Duck lips/kissy face mandatory. 80 percent should be from interior of compact car. Angle iPhone for maximum cleavage exposure but make like that's accidental. Oh what the hell, take a bunch in your underwear and/or bikini. Extra points for tattoos. Don't have any tattoos?!?

Get some tattoos. Make sure they're poorly placed and random. You have lots of skin on your back, so put a bunch there and make sure they have absolutely nothing in common with each other: Zebra stripes, Rob's face, an ear of corn, "Use by this date."

Pick loud fights with Rob at the airport. Why y'all always getting sulky and quiet when you're mad at each other? So boring. Throw your fucking suitcase at the man. Scream at him. Climb on his back and start pounding away at his head. Bite off an earlobe. Jeebus, can we please have some drama for once? You BOTH need to get arrested, so keep that in mind.

A bio pic of Jenelle Evans' life starring Kristen Stewart -- think that could ever actually happen?

 

Image of Jenelle Evans via @PBandJenelley_1/Twitter

 

celebs, kristen stewart, teen mom, movies

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nekoy... nekoyukidoll

The first time I saw Jeanelle, I kid you not, my first thought was "she kinda looks like a redneck Kirsten Stewart" so sadly I can see this.

roosm... roosmommy101212

Nah. Lindsay Lohan is where its at. She won't even have to act

Green... GreenEyesMom

LMFAO¡! I needed a good laugh. Thank you for that.

nonmember avatar Abi

Lol funny joke

nonmember avatar Mad Eye Beauty

Haha, I agree with getting Lohan. No acting required!

Jessica Mckibben

Just another way for them to make another dollar for the drugs they use. I say cut them both off I wouldn't want to see a movie about Jenelle anyways not worth a dollar coming out of my pocket that's forsure.

Danielle Gordon

this is great for real! im not down with bashing anyone everyone has there own problems! honestly her story isnt bad there's way worse teen parents then janelle she is jus constantely watched.. drag! but this part is great: "She had it all -- a reality TV show, plastic surgery, rad tattoos, douchebag lovers, a Twitter account, oh yeah, and a kid. Where is that kid, anyway? I mean, this movie needs to happen, right?" hahaha super funny!

Tresa Kizer-Echlin

This writer should be fired.  I'm beyond tired wasting my time clicking to read the dribble you write.  Sounds, looks, acts like you are just jealous.  Give it up.  No more clicking on the stir for me!


 

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