Chris Brown Breaks Up With Rihanna Because Ain’t Nobody Got Time for 'Wife-ing'

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Well, it's official, everyone. Chris Brown and Rihanna have broken up. In case the fact that Chris unfollowed Rihanna on Twitter wasn't clue enough for you, Chris has actually confirmed the split, saying, "Rihanna and I will always care for each other, but we have decided to amicably part ways. Please give us our privacy at this difficult time." Haha. Of course he didn't say that. This is Chris Brown we're talking! You know it's gonna be ruder than that. What he really said was:

Imma do it solo. I mean, at the end of the day, shawty doing her own thang, she on the road. It's always gonna be love. I'm a grown man, just gotta fast forward. I'm always gonna love that person. I can't be focused on wife-ing someone that young. I need to be the best Chris Brown I can be.

Isn't that touching? Are you crying yet?

Well, I don't think anyone is too surprised here. Or too upset. Rihanna, you dodged a bullet! Well, first you took the bullet and danced with it and got into bed with it and tweeted a bunch of pictures of you and it, but then you dodged it!

Hmm. Chris Brown certainly has a way with words, don't he? He can't be "focused on wife-ing someone." What does that mean exactly? I'm going to go ahead and decipher it, put it in layman's terms for y'all. "I can't be monogamous right now. I've got too many chicks hot for me." Please correct me if you know better.

Let's take a look at examples of the unique lexicon of Chris Brown:

Chris: "I'm gonna turn this whole thing on out."

Translation: "Don't mess with me, valet, I'm Chris Brown. Did you see what I did to Rihanna? And I loved her. I don't like you."

Chris: "HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That's the ultimate F!@* OFF!"

Translation: "I'd like to thank the Grammys and all of my fans for this truly humbling award."

Chris: "It's like we're still kids."

Translation: "It's like I'm still a kid. Because I refuse to grow up. Because why should I? No one can make me! Nyah!"

Chris: "Painting the way I feel today." (Accompanied by a painting of Jesus on the cross.)

Translation: "Jesus said to turn the other cheek, not to bash it. But he was wrong!"

Anyway, it'll be interesting to see how long Chris and Rihanna are going to stay away from each other. At least this time the breakup seems amicable -- or at least the cops weren't called.

Do you think Chris and Rihanna are truly dunzo?

 

Image via Splash News

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Edward Norton

Can the moron just get at least a GED?

mamav... mamavaness

lol i liked your translations. i definitely giggled a little :)

Melan... MelanieJK

It doesn't sound like he's ready to settle so dunzo is for the best.  

youth... youthfulsoul

Didn't she just drop a butt load of cash on a car for him? Such a waste.

mcfar... mcfarterson

She will be posting her pathetic pics trying to piss him off and make him jealous, and he will post his pics that he is "without a care in the world", they will write a couple songs to eachother & then we will go through all of this media coverage once again.. So predictable... and such a waste of time..

thing... thingz123

They probably aren't done forevah. Whitney and Bobby (or is it Liz and Dick-I dunno, I never heard about them beating on each other) have to keep dancing that sick little dance they do a few more times. They have years and years ahead of them to do this toxic step routine of theirs.

nonmember avatar roxy

yes, they are done. Rihanna should not look back. Do what Jesus told us: "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62

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