Farrah Abraham is so excited about the new video platform Keek because guess what? "No one can pretend to be me that isn’t me. YEAH!" Farrah is so sick of everyone on the Internet pretending to be Farrah when they are SO NOT Farrah. She appreciates the support and everything, but only Farrah is Farrah.
(Hey Farrah, is this your sex video? Because it wasn't on Keek, so ... I'm just asking for a friend.) But who wants to be Farrah, anyway? Really? Let's talk about all the reasons you are not Farrah -- and why you should be glad about that.
- You wouldn't make a sex video. And then lie about it. And then try to sell it. And then laugh about the "low" offer. And then settle for less. And then say that James Deen has a small penis. (Let US be the judge!)
- Even if you did make a sex tape, you wouldn't name it Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen, referencing both the Broadway musical Jesus Christ Superstar and anal sex in one terrible blow.
- You don't have a co-star who tweeted a MAJOR SPOILER about your sex video. (Great, now I know what happens so there's no point in watching!)
- You wouldn't (NSFW link) justify doing a sex tape by saying, "You have been a single mother for four years, off and on dating loser-ass boys who always try to sell information, lie to you, manipulate, and you’ve just realized you’re an awesome person and you deserve someone." Wha?!?
- You've never blown up at Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil! TV's cuddliest therapist. How's that working for you, Farrah?
- Your ex hasn't announced to the world that you're "not very bright."
- You don't give plastic surgery as gifts.
- You didn't start a food company and stop with exactly one product.
- You have not penned a children's book titled Passy's Perfume.
- You've never gotten a DUI and then written an outrageous blog post defending yourself because you think you can "hold your liquor" and be mindful of safety even though your blood alcohol level is STOP.
- You don't spell the word "asshole" "asswhole."
- You wouldn't follow up a DUI by posting a photo of yourself ... drinking.
- When you drunk tweet, your incoherent intoxicated nonsense doesn't land on WetPaint the next morning. You get to delete while sober and retain some of your dignity.
- You would never, EVER wax a 3-year-old's eyebrows.
- You know what the word "elaborate" means. And you can pronounce it.
- You haven't recorded a heavily-autotuned single called "Finally Getting Up From Rock Bottom."
- You didn't tweet this: "Downer Rihanna singing @#VSFashionshow that just made the show cheaper, why isn't she wearing diamonds?" And then get not so much as a blank stare back from Rihanna.
- You know better than to blend Brussels sprouts into fruit dips for your kids.
May 1, 2013 | Inside my #EARLY MORNING mommy drive :) This is why I love #Keek by f1abraham on Keek.com
Now, aren't you glad you're not Farrah Abraham?
Image via F1Abraham/Twitter