bachelor sean loweIn the good old Bachelor and Bachelorette days, the fantasy suite dates provided the one episode a season where there was a chance at real chemistry, at actual sex, and at heart-breaking I'm dumping you the next day but you don't know it, let's bone tonight drama. But last night? Not so much. The highlight of Monday's episode was when AshLee Frazier iced the shit out of Sean Lowe, and when a silent stare is all we can talk about after three overnights on two hours of TV, we've got a problem. And that problem is called morals.

And it's allllll thanks to Emily Maynard.

She came on the show with her pretty hair and her perfect smile and her lovely southern accent and taught everyone at home what it means to be a lady, and I'll never forgive her.

Because, hello, how boring was last night! Sean had the same conversation, three times, with Catherine, Lindsay, and AshLee in which nothing was ever said. He kept on explaining to each woman that they know what his intentions are, and I guess that means they've talked about him being a big old born again virgin in private because as far as I can remember, we the audience never heard those convos on the show, just in Us Weekly cover stories, which is really kind of lame.

So there they sat, talking about "spending alone time together," which apparently everyone understood was not even the slightest euphemism for sex, and there we were, at home, wondering when everyone got so ethical.

I'm going to go ahead and blame it on Emily. God bless that woman, she set the bar so high for any other contestant with her effortless chasteness and immaculate manners, how could anyone possibly go on that show and say, Yes! Fantasy Saweeeeet! LET'S DO THIS.

They can't anymore, because someone more perfect before them has made it seem uncouth. Which, you know, it is, but it's a reality show and we need at least the illusion of our two lovebirds actually being in love four weeks after meeting and three days before getting engaged.

Ali Fedotowski kept it real -- she recently revealed in an interview that she had sex with Roberto in her Fantasy Saweet and I dig that about her. It's just that ... the Saweets make this extremely fake show that fools people into committing their entire life (slash the next few months) to sharing a fish bowl with a stranger into something corporeal and tangible.

I get that Sean's a virgin, and that's great for him, but I don't get why it's not a part of the show. I guess the producers thought it would make the audience less interested, which it might have, but fact is, there couldn't be anything less interesting than watching caged and couched conversations about "intentions" over uneaten dinners. (Seriously, those dishes last night looked amazing. How did none of them dig in?!)

Point is, the show's really classed up its act, and the once down and dirty Fantasy Suite dates have now become an opportunity for contestants to act as if they're above it all while on TV. Fine! So be it. If they want to draw the line there, but not, say, going on TV and marrying someone for fun and publicity, go for it.

The sad truth is that a classy Bachelor (the series, not Sean, per se) is a snooze fest. Again, if the highlight of the episode is someone not saying anything, that's an issue.

Did you think last night's episode was painfully boring?

 

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