You know, I've been writing online for over a decade, and in that time I've made plenty of embarrassing confessions. Plenty. But what I'm about to tell you right now just may be the blue-ribbon winner in terms of complete and total personal humiliation: I think I just got turned on by a video of Justin Bieber french-kissing a severed mannequin head.
I'm not proud of this. Not even a little bit. In fact, it's such a dirty feeling, it's like I just got all hot and bothered by watching barely legal amputee porn. Which maybe I sort of did? OH GOD. Anyway, I'm hideously ashamed of myself, and the only thing that will make me feel remotely better is if I share the clip with you and confess my awful, awful sins.
Dear Stir readers: my name is Linda, I'm 38 years old and the mother of two children, and ... and I ... I think this video of an 18-year-old boy making out with a doll head is totally sexy. *hangs head*
So apparently Bieber was on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday, and Fallon challenged him to a weird competition involving trying to shoot random objects like ramen noodles, milkshakes, and mannequin heads through a basketball hoop.
Whatever, right? Ramen through a hoop. You wacky late night hosts, whatever will you think of next.
But when it was Bieber's turn to throw the female mannequin head, he paused, removed the doll's hat, and began stroking its hair. Fallon yelled, "Don't fall in love with it, Justin, no! Focus!" but then ... um. Well, just watch:
Oh my god, you guys. HE USED TONGUE. I -- hang on, just let me crank a window … jesus, is it sweltering in here? -- I know he was joking around and I'm older than his actual mother and it's a MANNEQUIN, but sweet Georgia asphalt, that boy can kiss. I mean, the closed eyes ... the tilted head ... the --
All right, I'm not going to keep going on about it. You're probably disgusted with me, as you should be. I'm sorry for this entire article. I'm going to go take a Silkwood shower now.
Justin Bieber frenching a decapitated plastic head: hot or not?
Image via Late Night With Jimmy Fallon