Lance Armstrong Rejects ‘Dancing With the Stars’ ... The Only Competition That Will Take Him

lance armstrongYou know, I thought it was foolish for Lindsay Lohan to turn down Dancing With the Stars. But someone just topped her. Noted performance-enhancing steroids aficionado and cyclist Lance Armstrong has turned down DWTS as well.

Dude, what are you thinking?!? This opportunity only comes once in a life-- oh, actually Armstrong's spokesperson says, "Lance has been offered the show each and every year since its inception. Although flattered he has passed on their generous offers.” So fine, this opportunity comes once every season. Maybe he'll say yes next time? Oh Lance, say yes. Say yes!


First of all, Lance rhymes with dance. So. Yeah.

Secondly, DANCESTRONG! Lance, with his bionic cardiovascular system, never ever getting tired during rehearsals, not sitting down and crying with exhaustion -- well, maybe that would be boring, actually. But can't you see him getting crazy competitive not just with the dancing, but with the costumes ("Why doesn't my costume have more sequins? I said MORE SEQUINS GODDAMMIT!")

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And gosh, don't we also want to see his moves? To see him float across the room, swept up in the music and the moment, throwing his partner across the room accidentally a little too hard and she crashes into the judges' table ... Oops.

SIGH. Lance has been banned from competing in just about everything. Hell, I bet he couldn't even get into my company's ping pong tournament. This is his ONE CHANCE to compete. It's this or hot dogs on Coney Island. C'mon man, you know you want it.

Wait -- I get why he doesn't want to dance on DWTS! It just now occurred to me. He doesn't think the show is competitive enough. He's so arrogant, he thinks he can easily out-dance everyone on the show. It would be too easy for him. ORLLY, ARMSTRONG? So You Think You Can Dance??? (Oops, wrong show.) I now know what it's going to take to get Lance. World Champion Dancers.

Would you like to see Lance Armstrong on Dancing With the Stars?


Image via scott mecum/Flickr

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