Lindsay Lohan Gets Psychic Prediction That Delights Her Crack Legal Team

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Lindsay LohanI truly cannot tell you how many times I've been scouring for entertainment news ideas, stumbled across a Lindsay Lohan headline, and thought to myself, there's no way I can write about her again. I mean, it's all been said a thousand times and more. How can there possibly be anything that's even remotely surprising or interesting about Lindsay Lohan at this point?

And yet, the girl seems to be a bottomless source of drama. During those brief moments that Lindsay's not getting arrested, her parents step in to hog the infamy spotlight (see last weekend's interview with Dina Lohan, in which she explains why her daughter's so "screwed up").  The latest bit of O RLY? comes from, of all people, Lindsay's lawyer, Mark Jay Heller. Now, you'd think this would be a relatively professional individual capable of issuing smooth, PR-friendly statements about his client, right?

WRONG. This lawyer is citing advice from a fortune teller in order to reassure us all about Lindsay's future.

Yes. A fortune teller. I'm not even kidding. This is how Lindsay Lohan's lawyer knows that Lindsay's troubles are finally coming to an end.  This is what he actually, no shit, I swear to god I am not making up, told a group of reporters after he made a court appearance in New York yesterday. A court appearance regarding charges of misdemeanor assault against Lindsay Lohan, mind you.

Ironically a psychic fortune teller has predicted that the year 2013 will be an extremely lucky year for Lindsay Lohan. And with her spectacular talent and great looks I believe that all she really needs is a bit of luck.

I just … I can't … WHAT THE HELL. The only part of that statement that makes any sense whatsoever is the "ironically" part.

She doesn't need a bit of luck, she needs to stop doing drugs and getting arrested, for crying out loud. Most of all, she needs to be surrounded by people whose lips aren't permanently fixed to her butthole as they nod and tell her she's doing great and hand over more coke with one hand while pilfering her wallet with the other.

Lindsay Lohan needs a tough-love lawyer who gets right out there and says yes, his client has been troubled in the past, but she's willing to do the hard work to make changes. She needs a lawyer who sits her down and tells her that he's only going to represent her as long as she's on the right path -- one misstep, and she's fired. She needs a lawyer who keeps her crazy-ass parents away, forbids all partying, and maybe sends her to a remote cabin in the Montana wilderness for 18 months.

Instead, she's got this Heller yahoo -- who, and I quote, "had a white rabbit leg hanging off his Louis Vuitton brief case."

I don't even know, you guys. I guess the reason Lindsay Lohan keeps making news is that it's just so frustrating that she can't get her shit together. She's young, she might still be beautiful if she'd stop fucking with her face, and she might even still be talented if she'd stop frying her brain. But this latest lawyer is a symptom of the entire problem: she's never willing to take responsibility for her actions. A BIT OF LUCK OH MY GOD.

What do you think about Lindsay's lawyer's statement? Is that a nutbar thing for a lawyer to say, or is it just me?

Image via mimosveta/Flickr

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