It's possible you had no idea Lindsay Lohan has actually been working in recent months. Who could blame you for assuming all she's been doing lately is stealing jewelry, colliding with pedestrians, and getting choked out by some dude she brought back to her hotel room? As it turns out, in between her various headline-grabbing shenanigans, Lohan has been flexing her acting chops for the camera -- and if the trailer for Liz & Dick didn't blow you away, I bet this just-released teaser for The Canyons will.
I mean, wait until you see this trailer! It's an astounding work of art! It's edgy and compelling! It's lurid, mesmerizing L.A. noir that's guaranteed to be Lohan's comeback vehicle! It's --
Oh my god, I can't keep it up, even as a joke. The Canyons? This teaser video? Lindsay and her porn movie costar? It's the worst thing I have ever seen in my life.
All right, I may be exaggerating a tiny bit. I once saw my dog have diarrhea on the carpet, then she ate some of it, then she barfed it back up. That was probably the worst thing I have ever seen (or cleaned) in my life.
But this trailer is pretty freaking terrible, you guys. I get campy. I get the grindhouse aesthetic. I don't, however, get this ridiculous mess:
"Where the sex is as cheap as the budget, and the only way out is death"? Who WROTE this, a drunk orangutan pounding a hammer on a keyboard?
Oh wait, that's right -- this is Bret Easton Ellis's movie. As in, the author who was once known for satirical, measured, bleak novels like Less Than Zero; now better known as the trigger-happy jerk who can't stop running his mouth on Twitter.
I don't know what's more eye-rollingly lame about this trailer, the fact that it's trying (and failing) to channel Tarantino and Rodriguez's fake Grindhouse trailers, the "sly" references to porn star James Deen's gigantor dong, or Lindsay Lohan looking like she brings as much sparkle and personality to this flick as, you know, a coked-out has-been starlet who spends the majority of her life in courtrooms and plastic surgeons' offices.
Maybe the actual movie is a thousand times better than the trailer. Maybe the fact that The Canyons was crowdfunded via Kickstarter means that the lack of studio control gave the team so much creative freedom they're just having fun with the teaser campaigns. Maybe LiLo is on her way to a bona-fide Oscar nomination for this role.
Orrrrrrrrr ... maybe The Canyons is exactly what it looks like: the corny low-budget amateur-hour result of a famewhoring writer/director who apparently went off his meds sometime in the last year or so.
What do you think of The Canyons trailer? Will you be checking out the movie when it hits theaters?
Image via YouTube