Whatever's really going on with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart these days, here's some good news for everyone's favorite sparkly vampire: he's been voted as the world's sexiest man. According to Glamour UK magazine's 50 sexiest men of 2012 poll, Pattinson is the most sexy man on the entire planet for the fourth consecutive year. That's four years of burning, relentless, GLOBAL SEX APPEAL, you guys! He beat out Johnny Depp, Michael Fassbender, Ryan Gosling, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Joe Manganiello, Iam Somerhalder, and --
Okay. Okay okay okay okay. Let's just ... can we just take a minute, here? Can we just take a minute to gather our collective senses and recognize the PURE INSANITY of a world in which ROBERT PATTINSON is sexier than ANY OF THOSE GUYS???
Because dude. Handsome? Sure, given the right angle. But sexy? Like, at all? Much less the sexiest man in the world? NO. No, no, no. Not even close.
For one thing, he's far too self-deprecating. I'm not saying that's a bad thing -- no one likes a cocky, arrogant bastard -- but based on some of his interviews and statements, he veers awfully close to cringing self-consciousness. ("What did I do to deserve this adulation? (...) I’m comforted by my guitar — my true companion that travels everywhere with me.") Which is fine! Seriously, Rob, it's fine. *Pats his head, yanks hand back and wipes gobs of hair product on pants* But, well, it's not particularly sexy.
More from The Stir: 10 Sexy Robert Pattinson Quotes on Love, Women & Kissing
For another thing: this photo. OH MY GOD WHAT AM I EVEN LOOKING AT. I don't care how old that picture is, you're going to seriously try and tell me that's sexier than this?
Glamour voters, you are drunk.
I also can't get past his "Broody, Smoldering" persona. I'm sorry, Robert, I'm sure you're a great guy and all, and you've probably just had way too many directors try and turn you into an updated, metrosexual James Dean, but ... gah. I guess it's supposed to turn me on, but it just makes me want to snap at him to STOP THAT POUTING THIS INSTANT, YOUNG MAN.
Lastly, the hair. You guys, THE HAIR. I cannot deal with the hair. It's not even the length or the style, it's the fact that he can't stop GROOMING his HEAD-PELT:
What's on that sparkly scalp of yours, Pattinson? I'm just saying, a little Edward N' Shoulders might not be a bad thing.
In conclusion, I can think of a lot of things Robert Pattinson is the world's best at. For instance: looking tortured, having giant eyebrows, landing tabloid covers, and sporting a carefully maintained five o'clock shadow. But the world's sexiest man? Over Alexander Skarsgard, even? HELL NO.
What's your call? Is Robert Pattinson in fact the sexiest man in the whole world?
Images via Gage Skidmore/Flickr, HBO
Going to baseball games
Riding bike rides in the nice weather
Playing outside after work/school
Going for walks outside