Robert Pattinson Voted 'World's Sexiest Man' & Everyone Has Officially Gone Insane

Rant 81

Robert PattinsonWhatever's really going on with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart these days, here's some good news for everyone's favorite sparkly vampire: he's been voted as the world's sexiest man. According to Glamour UK magazine's 50 sexiest men of 2012 poll, Pattinson is the most sexy man on the entire planet for the fourth consecutive year. That's four years of burning, relentless, GLOBAL SEX APPEAL, you guys! He beat out Johnny Depp, Michael Fassbender, Ryan Gosling, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Joe Manganiello, Iam Somerhalder, and --

 Okay. Okay okay okay okay. Let's just ... can we just take a minute, here? Can we just take a minute to gather our collective senses and recognize the PURE INSANITY of a world in which ROBERT PATTINSON is sexier than ANY OF THOSE GUYS???

Because dude. Handsome? Sure, given the right angle. But sexy? Like, at all? Much less the sexiest man in the world? NO. No, no, no. Not even close.

For one thing, he's far too self-deprecating. I'm not saying that's a bad thing -- no one likes a cocky, arrogant bastard -- but based on some of his interviews and statements, he veers awfully close to cringing self-consciousness. ("What did I do to deserve this adulation? (...) I’m comforted by my guitar — my true companion that travels everywhere with me.") Which is fine! Seriously, Rob, it's fine. *Pats his head, yanks hand back and wipes gobs of hair product on pants* But, well, it's not particularly sexy.

More from The Stir: 10 Sexy Robert Pattinson Quotes on Love, Women & Kissing

For another thing: this photo. OH MY GOD WHAT AM I EVEN LOOKING AT. I don't care how old that picture is, you're going to seriously try and tell me that's sexier than this?

Glamour voters, you are drunk.

I also can't get past his "Broody, Smoldering" persona. I'm sorry, Robert, I'm sure you're a great guy and all, and you've probably just had way too many directors try and turn you into an updated, metrosexual James Dean, but ... gah. I guess it's supposed to turn me on, but it just makes me want to snap at him to STOP THAT POUTING THIS INSTANT, YOUNG MAN.

Lastly, the hair. You guys, THE HAIR. I cannot deal with the hair. It's not even the length or the style, it's the fact that he can't stop GROOMING his HEAD-PELT:

What's on that sparkly scalp of yours, Pattinson? I'm just saying, a little Edward N' Shoulders might not be a bad thing.

In conclusion, I can think of a lot of things Robert Pattinson is the world's best at. For instance: looking tortured, having giant eyebrows, landing tabloid covers, and sporting a carefully maintained five o'clock shadow. But the world's sexiest man? Over Alexander Skarsgard, even? HELL NO.

What's your call? Is Robert Pattinson in fact the sexiest man in the whole world?


Images via Gage Skidmore/Flickr, HBO

twilight, robert pattinson

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jessi... jessicasmom1

he is ok but I do not think the sexiest man alive

Liz Muia Frost

I'm a little unnerved by Alcide's hairlessness.  He's a werewolf, for crying out loud!  But still, super hot.

dirti... dirtiekittie

sure, robert pattinson is hot. is he the sexiest? well not to me personally, but then again, it's not like i've always agreed with these kind of 'votes' anyway. beauty is in the eye of the be(er)holder, right? ;)

Melis... Melissa1508

I guess he's cute. I guess. I'm not into Robert Patterson. Joe Manganiello, on the other hand...drool.

nonmember avatar LostinSpace33

I just DON'T. GET. IT. He's mildly attractive, but I'm with Linda...not sexy at all! All I can say in explanation is the poll was for UK Glamour, not US and he is British. But I don't care what nationality you are, I can't imagine any reality where Robert Pattinson is considered sexier than Alexander Skarsgard!

Katt709 Katt709

Totally agree. He's not hot. I personally don't even see how he could be called attractive. Now Ian somerhalder... He's sexy.

Shirley Arms

Just as bad as people naming Bradley Cooper Sexiest Man Alive. Who is voting here? Alexander Skarsgard should be #1 on these lists.

Angelynn Pierce

I just choked on my coffee. That "hair montage" is hysterical!!!!


And for the record, my vote is for Hugh Jackman. He is one sexy, goose-bump-givin', weak-in-the-knees hunk of a man. Please sir, may I have some more?! :)

Eileen de Boon

When it comes to Rob there is no competition. He's by far the sexiest man alive inside and out. Men with six packs are highly overrated.

Beth Victor Klemmensen

What's the point in slamming Pattinson?  He dosen't have any say in how people vote, or what the  news rags put in print. And he's got more money than you, so I really doubt he gives a rats ass about what people are saying.  The point is, people are talking and the stir is up right before his next movie is due in theaters.  This is how publicity works. 


 

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