Emily Maynard & Jef Holm Attend Mormon Church & There's No Escaping Now

GossipMonger 56

emily maynard mormonsOh my heck, look who showed up to Sacrament Meeting at the ward house with Jef Holm's family: Bachelorette Emily Maynard! Jef and Em were in South Carolina to visit Jef's family and attended church while they were there. As you do. I can just hear it now. "Brother Holm, would you please introduce your sweet bride?" An excited fan tweeted his photo of Emily and Jef at church with the hashtag #perksofbeingamormon. (Yeah. #takewhatyoucangetman)

Now, just because Emily and Jef check out the local Mormon congregation doesn't mean Emily is about to convert. Except that of course she is, because you just know they're laying on the nice. NO ONE lays on the nice like Mormons do. It is futile to resist, Emily! You WILL be teaching Sunbeams (the three-year-olds) and singing "If You Could Hie to Kolob" before you know it.

Better start learning those hymns now, Emily. Soon those Mormons will be bringing over delicious apple cobbler and telling you how rad it is that you two met on a television show, and hey, if you ever need anything... Aw heck! You won't even have to ask because the minute you need anything they'll show up on your doorstep unbidden ready to mow your lawn or clean your andirons. You know what these people do when you have a baby? They organize a whole group of women to take turns bringing your family a home-cooked meal. Supper, for all of you, for like two weeks!

More from The Stir: 'Bachelorette' Emily Maynard Should Run for Her Life if Jef Is Really Mormon

You are so screwed! And if you keep saying "that's awfully kind of you but I still don't want to be a Mormon," they'll say "Aw, that's fine. WE LOVE YOU ANYWAY." And they'll just keep nicing you to death.

I know you've heard of the musical The Book of Mormon. In ex-Mormon circles the big outrage is how easy Trey Parker and Matt Stone went on Mormons. But you'd have to see the classic South Park episode, "All About the Mormons" to get why (no longer available online, weirdly). Geez, that Mormon family in the episode is just so... cool! So Mormon theology is totally batshit bonkers. Maybe you can kind of just play along anyhow?

All you have to do is wear the worst underwear ever designed (seams in all the wrong places and they're not even really magic), donate ten percent of your income, spend three hours in church every Sunday plus several more in service, believe that the Native Americans are actually one of the Lost Tribes of Israel, and say goodbye to white wine spritzers. Some feel it's worth it. I ran screaming as soon as I found a therapist to help me leave. But the screaming and the therapist shouldn't worry you. Not at all! More creamy, delicious funeral potatoes, Emily?

Do you think Emily Maynard would make a good Mormon?

 

Image via @cocogloves/Twitter

 

 

 

bachelor/bachelorette, television, reality tv

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nonmember avatar Rach

So being kind, donating 10% of your income (voluntarily I might add), and doing service for others is a BAD thing? Have a problem with the theology all you want, that's your right, but ridiculing someone for kindness is in bad taste.

britn... britneykaren

Haha!! That's right on!! My parents had a brief Mormon thing when I was in high school, I do miss the food but couldn't bring myself to get baptised with everyone else, luckily

Carolyn Bright Luckau

WOW...Talk about judgemental!! You don't know what you are talking about... but you know what? We love you anyway!!

nonmember avatar Kels

This post is extremely offensive.

flood... flood1971

People, have a sense of humor already! More peach cobbler with that? This is the land of free speech. To the author, good for you! To the rest of us, lighten up!

foxyc... foxychick9003

Wow, this was a pretty bitchy post.

nonmember avatar themrs-2004

Convert not covert, unless the church visit was some sort of secret mission.

SuzyB... SuzyBarno

What good would breast implants do if you had to wear ugly magic underwear all the time?! Lol! To each their own, but no I don't think she would make a good Mormon. I don't think she would be down for the whole "conservative" dress part.

nonmember avatar Nina

I really think people need to educate themselves before they write an article, particularly on the Mormon religion. I'm sure if it were any other religion it wouldn't be getting as much crap which I find completely ridiculous. Mormons should get the same amount of respect as any other religion.

nonmember avatar Bob

Wow. First of all, learn how to spell.... And second of all, you must really regret leaving this church. This post has jealousy written all over it. Sorry you had to have someone tell you to leave and now you hate life. Very bad taste to write this about other people. Enjoy your sad, pathetic life. You should have stayed in the Mormon church.

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