Oh my heck, look who showed up to Sacrament Meeting at the ward house with Jef Holm's family: Bachelorette Emily Maynard! Jef and Em were in South Carolina to visit Jef's family and attended church while they were there. As you do. I can just hear it now. "Brother Holm, would you please introduce your sweet bride?" An excited fan tweeted his photo of Emily and Jef at church with the hashtag #perksofbeingamormon. (Yeah. #takewhatyoucangetman)
Now, just because Emily and Jef check out the local Mormon congregation doesn't mean Emily is about to convert. Except that of course she is, because you just know they're laying on the nice. NO ONE lays on the nice like Mormons do. It is futile to resist, Emily! You WILL be teaching Sunbeams (the three-year-olds) and singing "If You Could Hie to Kolob" before you know it.
Better start learning those hymns now, Emily. Soon those Mormons will be bringing over delicious apple cobbler and telling you how rad it is that you two met on a television show, and hey, if you ever need anything... Aw heck! You won't even have to ask because the minute you need anything they'll show up on your doorstep unbidden ready to mow your lawn or clean your andirons. You know what these people do when you have a baby? They organize a whole group of women to take turns bringing your family a home-cooked meal. Supper, for all of you, for like two weeks!
More from The Stir: 'Bachelorette' Emily Maynard Should Run for Her Life if Jef Is Really Mormon
You are so screwed! And if you keep saying "that's awfully kind of you but I still don't want to be a Mormon," they'll say "Aw, that's fine. WE LOVE YOU ANYWAY." And they'll just keep nicing you to death.
I know you've heard of the musical The Book of Mormon. In ex-Mormon circles the big outrage is how easy Trey Parker and Matt Stone went on Mormons. But you'd have to see the classic South Park episode, "All About the Mormons" to get why (no longer available online, weirdly). Geez, that Mormon family in the episode is just so... cool! So Mormon theology is totally batshit bonkers. Maybe you can kind of just play along anyhow?
All you have to do is wear the worst underwear ever designed (seams in all the wrong places and they're not even really magic), donate ten percent of your income, spend three hours in church every Sunday plus several more in service, believe that the Native Americans are actually one of the Lost Tribes of Israel, and say goodbye to white wine spritzers. Some feel it's worth it. I ran screaming as soon as I found a therapist to help me leave. But the screaming and the therapist shouldn't worry you. Not at all! More creamy, delicious funeral potatoes, Emily?
Do you think Emily Maynard would make a good Mormon?
Image via @cocogloves/Twitter