Let me ask you this. Have you ever seen Courtney Stodden and Joaquin Phoenix in the same room? I'm not saying they're the same person, but evidence is mounting that Courtney is, indeed, Joaquin in drag doing some performance art piece in which his goal is to show America just how messed up we are for giving a teen bride and her creepy Z-list husband attention for their unsettling marriage. The latest piece in that puzzle is the fact that Courtney/Joaquin has just confirmed via Twitter and her momager that she's going to star in a reality show.
The fact that Courtney, who's going to be out of pocket filming for three weeks, so get your fill of her depraved, deprived of love Twitter feed while you still can, has been offered a chance to embarrass herself, and the nation, on a TV show is so sad that I have to believe that it's all a lie, just to get through the day. Its air date has not yet been released.
I'm hoping that on the show, Courtney rips off her face, Mission Impossible style, to reveal a bearded and decidedly slimmer Joaquin who looks into the camera and scolds each and everyone of us for putting this teenager on a pedestal.
It doesn't matter if she's on there to be praised or knocked down, a sweaty Joaquin will yell at us, the simple fact that she is there at all is enough to make us take a long, hard look at ourselves and figure out why we find such a scene worthy of our attention. Are there not books, he'll question. Are there not children to be played with? Is there no music to be enjoyed? No garden that needs love?
Then Doug, who's Doug and not someone just pretending to be Doug, will collapse in tears after having stood there slack jawed for 10 minutes. As he processes the information, his only takeaway will be that the miracles of technology today are more amazing than the teenagers today. That it's possible to construct such a realistic vagina that's fooled, and fulfilled him, for months is something he'll find as mind-blowing as he does promising. He'll ponder coming at Joaquin with a broken ashtray because he thinks he should be mad, but he won't be able to destroy something he's loved so dearly.
Then the screen will go blank, the blurry technological snow will let us know the feed's been cut. Next, as if we needed any confirmation, some text will appear at the bottom of the screen that reads: A Casey Affleck production. Cut to black.
What are your hopes and dreams for the Courtney Stodden reality TV show?
Photo via CourtneyStodden/YouTube