To whom it may concern: The craftiest PR team in Hollywood would like to cordially invite you to the official Tom Cruise Pity Party, starting ... now! Dress is casual (guests wearing "Team Katie" t-shirts will be turned away at the door). In place of gifts, please send donations to The Church of Scientology. Yep, that's right ... and we called it!
Remember when Tom Cruise's lawyer made that weird statement/threat about how the Cruise camp was staying mum only for the moment and as soon as "the other side" quieted down Cruise would "have something to say" about the split? And we were all like, Uh-oh, get ready for a really long string of "woe is Cruise" sob stories?
Yeah, well. Better get the tissues, or something. The boo-hoo-hoo-ing has begun.
According to A Source (hey, I've heard of him before!), when Katie Holmes "blindsided" him by filing for divorce, Cruise "was thinking, 'What did I not see?'"
Thankfully Tom has family to lean on -- his older children, Connor, 17, and Isabella, 19, his three sisters, and his mother -- and his faith, of course.
I just can't imagine what we'll learn next about the actor's "private pain." (Of course it won't be private anymore at that point, but you know what I mean.) What tragic details have yet to be revealed? How low, the depths of loneliness and anguish! How cold, the nights spent without his one true love!
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for the Pity Party. (I assume everyone will be wearing black?)
Do you think Tom Cruise is REALLY sad right now?