Believe it or not, it wasn't a viral blog or even a Harlequin romance novel that made me want to become a writer. It was Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre. So when I read that this classic, as well as many others, is going to get the Fifty Shades of Grey erotic treatment from a publisher, I wanted to vomit on my keyboard. But that would prevent me from writing this rant, so I settled for dry heaving over it.
The publisher, Clandestine Classics, will rework beloved books like Jane Eyre, Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey, and Sherlock Holmes, making them mommy porn-worthy. Imagine, instead of Jane Eyre's classic line, "Reader, I married him," she might say, "Reader, I f*cked him." Or possibly a more E.L. James-ish, "Reader, he went down there." Gag me with a dildo.
The publisher says the books, which will be released starting June 30, will introduce the classics to "a whole new generation of readers." Seriously, no one can read anything now unless there's flogging and an orgasm-a-minute involved?
In the porn versions of the classics, Sherlock Holmes will delve deep into his homoerotic side with Dr. Watson, Wuthering Heights' Catherine will get it on with Heathcliff, and Jane Eyre will have "explosive sex" with Mr. Rochester. Never mind that the whole point of Jane Eyre is that the heroine won't have sex with Rochester -- even though he begs her to -- because he's already married. And if that just spoiled the book for you, shame on you for not having read it by now.
I have nothing against E.L. James for penning Fifty Shades. Girlfriend was just having a bit of fun and hit paydirt. It's not her fault that publishers are now going to ruin a bunch of classics in the name of money. But, please, Fifty Shades lovers, go away. Leave our classics in peace. There are plenty of shlocky romance books for you to pant over. Perchance if you might even want to try some sexy books that don't drain every brain cell you have, you might want to pick up Henry & June or The Story of O.
Says Claire Siemaszkiewicz, whose company will release the e-books, "I've often wondered whether the Bronte sisters, if they were alive today, would have gone down the erotic romance route. There's a lot of underlying sexual tension in their stories."
Yes, Claire, that's the idea. The sexual tension is underlying. The sexiest thing in the world isn't when a couple knocks boots, but when they want to, but don't.
If the Bronte sisters were alive today, methinks they would vomit all over their ink quills at the idea of Rochester whipping Jane whilst she emits banalities like, "Take me now, you big stud."
Reader, leave the classics alone.
Would you read a mommy porn classic?
Image via Penguin