'50 Shades of Grey' Reviews From Biggest Haters Are Absolutely Hilarious

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woman giving thumbs downIt's true -- Fifty Shades of Grey is pretty much all anyone can talk about. Maybe it's because we're just so sex-starved as a country that E.L. James' schlocky writing was a breath of hot, horny air for readers, or maybe it's because sticky summer nights offer the perfect excuse to bury your nose in a sexy book. But for all the hype about the books, there sure are a lot of complaints. Mainly about the writing, which we all know is not going to win Mrs. Erika Leonard a Pulitzer for Fiction anytime soon.

So, for all you haters out there -- and even for fans who can laugh at themselves -- here are excerpts from some of the best one-star reviews for Fifty on Amazon, which may be even more entertaining to read than the steamy trilogy itself!

"About half way through the book, I looked up the author to see if she was a teenager. I really did because the characters are out of a 16 year old's fantasy. ... If you take out the parts where the female character is blushing or chewing her lips, the book will be down to about 50 pages. Almost on every single page, there is a whole section devoted to her blushing, chewing her lips or wondering 'Jeez' about something or another." -meymoon

"The author makes sex and eroticism as boring as mowing lawns." -Gary F. Mullins

"This has to be the most appallingly atrocious writing I've ever seen in a major release. The pseudonymous British author sets the action (such as it is) in Washington State ... but the entire first-person narrative is filled with Britishisms. How many American college students do you know who talk about 'prams,' 'ringing' someone on the phone, or choosing a 'smart rucksack' to take 'on holiday'? And the author's geography sounds like she put together a jigsaw puzzle of the Pacific Northwest while drunk and ended up with several pieces in the wrong place." -DS from LA, who also used their Kindle to note how many times Ana says "jeez" (81), "oh my" (72), among other hilarious observations

More from The Stir: 10 Filthy '50 Shades of Grey' Sex Lies We're Not Buying

"Is anyone else catching that this guy is a sociopath? Controlling, jealous, isolating.... just remember- Ted Bundy was considered good looking as well." -L. Reigner

"I found myself thinking 'Twilight, plus some spanking, minus the sparkly vampires.' Here, I'll save you all some time (SPOILER ALERT): Once upon a time... I'm Ana. I'm clumsy and naive. I like books. I dig this guy. He couldn't possibly like me. He's rich. I wonder if he's gay? His eyes are gray. Super gray. Intensely gray. Intense AND gray. Serious and gray. Super gray. Dark and gray. [insert 100+ other ways to say 'gray eyes' here] I blush. I gasp. He touches me 'down there.' I gasp again. He gasps. We both gasp. I blush some more. I gasp some more. I refer to my genitals as 'down there' a few more times. I blush some more. Sorry, I mean I 'flush' some more. I bite my lip. He gasps a lot more. More gasping. More blushing/flushing. More lip biting. Still more gasping. The end." -Ebeth822

"This novel (if a bunch of childish, repetition words comprise a novel) is the biggest load of crap I've come across since visiting a dairy farm in Wisconsin when I was 7. My tabby cat could write better sex scenes than this woman." -Cynthia Ivers

"'Down There?' are you kidding me? It's called a vagina. Grow up. ... I feel stupid for reading this book and wish I had spent that ten bucks on socks." -Taylor

"I have seen Twilight referred to as vampire romance with training wheels. Well, this Twilight fanfiction (rewritten with new character names) is erotic romance with training wheels, a helmet, and shin pads." -Reviewer Aus

"Fifty Shades of Grey is not the first book I've thrown across the room -- it's the second -- but it is the first book I also kicked after it hit the floor." -Joanna Bell

"This book is absolute and complete garbage in every possible sense. Try to imagine of the smell of a large crate full of month-old eggs in the dumpster behind a questionable greasy spoon diner on a muggy, sticky August morning. With a dead skunk on top. And garbage juice dripping onto the pavement. And a drunk guy urinating onto the whole thing. Now imagine rolling in that dumpster. Naked. That's how this book made me feel." -Celtic Thistle "Kelly"

Even if you liked the book, you have to admit -- how hilarious are these reviews?! What's the funniest thing you've heard or read about the book?

Image via Amazon

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nonmember avatar andie

The most hilarious part to me was that she kept saying that he touched "her sex," ran his hand over "her sex," and blew on "her sex!" What the hell???

Water... Water_geM

Id like read the book after the tabby has taken the red pen to it.

zombi... zombiemommy916

I read anything I can get my hands on...and their respective reviews...these are the most hilarious I've ever read..."still more gasping. The end." Hahahaha...Nailed it! No pun intended...

nonmember avatar Krazegrl98

Well, Millions of Women love this book no matter what critics say...Sex sales and if you add money and Love together, its going to make alot more money....the Movie I think can be even better than the book if the Screenwriters take their time and dont rush to make this film. Esp. if they change up some scenes, change certain words and give it more drama along with the romance and sex. Of Course the Characters will also be a BIG player in making this film a success!

jagam... jagamama0710

Meh...I'm not a giant fan of this book (I'm not quite halfway through it) but these reviews aren't really hilarious. As for Taylor's comment about growing up and saying vagina...vagina is not a hot word to me. It doesn't turn me on. I don't want my husband to say "I wanna be in your vagina". Mood killerrrrrrrr. Ross saying "vulva" on Friends ring a bell to anyone? There are definitely more and better/hotter words for female genitals than saying "down there" repeatedly but it's better than "vagina", "labia", or "vulva". For that matter I don't want to see the words "penis" or "scrotum" when speaking of male genitals. Proper terms? Yes. Great for research. Sexy? No. The characters are very similar to Twilight but then...it started out as Twilight fanfic so dur-dur-dur. Surprised? You shouldn't be.

It's alright though. Not the best erotic novel I've read but definitely not the worst. It certainly doesn't inspire me to come up with a paragraph long intricate description of a smell. WTF? I do roll my eyes at how many times she bites her lip. Her lips should be hella chapped at this point and I'm not even halfway through it. 

Alma313 Alma313

Ebeth822 had the best synopsis...I just couldn't get into the book. Sorry.

TMK919 TMK919

This is what I tell the haters- Do you watch porn for the Oscar worthy performances? Or award winning original score? No? Then don't expect it from an erotic novel!

nonmember avatar Clamidia

Looking for a new take on this check out www.clamidiablog.wordpress.com. Hilarious parody of the erotic genre. She is Clamidia Staines - Agony Aunt & Sexpert. Funniest damn thing you'll read all year. Her new book has just been released on Kindle; 'Coming Clean with Clamidia Staines" Check it out. (contains adult humour)

itica... itica17306

Please someone tell me how on earth they are going to make a movie out of this? One without an X rating? I read all three books in two days. It is just fun fluff, for a summer at the beach with a margarita, reading. But a movie? Can anyone really see _________ (insert your favorite big name actor) putting a butt plug into ________ (insert your favorite female actors) butt?

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