I'm not normally one for celebrating the birthdays of total strangers, but you know what, I'm going to make an exception for Tom Cruise. Happy 50th birthday, Tom Cruise! Or should I call you Tom Mapother, as you were known when you were born on July 3, 1962 in Syracuse -- no? You have a … why, yes, that IS a legal document that requires all media to refer to you as Cruise. No problem, sir.
When one of the world's most famous actors turns the big 5-0, it's hard to imagine what sort of gift he might appreciate. A high-profile divorce? A custody fight? A flurry of attention focused on his oddball religion of choice? I mean, these grounds have been covered, you know?
I dug deep, though, to come up with a selection of birthday presents I think would be perfect for Tom Cruise. Hope you have an amazing day, Tom! I bet your lawyers are a super fun bunch.
A ball gag.
Look, you're going to need this for Katie. I know she's taking the aggressive step of asking for full custody, so I'm guessing that means she's got some serious dirt on you. Either way, you don't want all those Scientology secrets spilled, right? Please note this particular gag is breathable, because god knows you don't need a murder rap on top of everything else.
I assume you probably have a billion of these already, but what prominent wealthy Scientologist can't use another "religious artifact used to measure the state of electrical characteristics of the 'static field' surrounding the body"? I mean, have you been properly relieved from the spiritual impediment of your past experiences? This bullshit piece of crap electronics magical device will surely help you figure it out during these troubled times, Tom.
An account at Tiffany's.
Something tells me Suri has moved on from princess dresses and bottles. I don't envy you the custody fight, but in the meantime, you've set a precedent for this kid. Pony up with the platinum goods, Daddy-O, because Suri's got expensive tastes.
A climbing harness.
Remember when everyone heard about how you did your own crazy stunts in Mission Impossible by dangling 1,700 feet off the ground on the outside of Dubai’s Burj Khalifa and for a while there we forgot what a weirdo you are and we were just like HOLY SHIT THAT GUY HAS COJONES? I'm just saying, Tom. Isn't it time for another death-defying, distracting action scene?
Hey, we know how much you like to run.
Hey, we know how short you are.
A contract for a new wife.
I have no idea if the rumors are true that you force your wives to sign five-year contracts or if there's any significance to the fact that all three of your marriages ended when your wife was 33 years old, but before you get hitched for the fourth time, you'll probably want some paperwork in place. If only to require that your betrothed doesn't visibly convey what a shitshow it is to be married to you.
Mimi Rogers, Tom's (terrified) first wife, in 1989
A turkey baster.
I'm not saying that part of your alleged marriage contract involves producing a child without you having to physically interact with the spouse in question, I'm just saying that if it DOES, this sort of thing might come in really handy.