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Fifty Shades of Grey! Fifty Shades of Grey! Fifty Shades of ... ahhhh! Somebody get me an aspirin. I have not read this book. I have no plans to read this book. And yet I hear about this damn book so much it feels like I've read it. Ackk!! Why do I have no interest in it? I don't know exactly. I don't want to eat a live squid either and no one asks me to explain that.

But if I HAVE to give reasons, here are some: I read two paragraphs of the sample chapters on Amazon and couldn't get any farther. (Okay, so I read some.) I have other books that I want to read, and time is limited, so why would I waste my time reading something I don't? I do not judge you for reading the book (well, I do, but silently), so please do not judge me for not reading. Deal?

Maybe you also know some elusive women who don't want to read this book. Here are 11 annoying things Fifty Shades fans say to them. And shouldn't!

More from The Stir: 9 Quotes the '50 Shades of Grey' Movie Needs to Sizzle

"What, you don't like sex?"

(I like sex. Actual sex. That takes place in reality.)

"Don't you like Twilight?"

(No. And that's another list.)

"I wasn't going to read it but all my friends are."

(I hope all of your friends don't decide to jump off a bridge.)

"It was either this or War and Peace and I went with this."

(Please do not repeat that to anyone.)

"Okay, so the writing is bad, but I don't read books for the writing."

(So you also date people you don't like and eat things that make you puke.)

"I just read it for the sex. It's not easy to find a book with a lot of sex in it."

(Anaïs Nin is rolling in her grave.)

"But it will make your sex life so much hotter."

(Yoga might make me calmer, but I'm not going to torture myself with that either.)

"Wait, you're a writer, too. Is this because you're jealous of this book's success?"

(Jealous?? Of her selling five bajillion copies and being a billionaire??? Bwahahah. Surely you jest. Ahem.)

"I hated it. Just bought the third book."

(You'll hate Anaïs Nin too, I promise.)

"If you don't read it, how you will you understand the movie?"

(I'll get a translator. Or not see the movie. You guess which one.)

"You just don't appreciate good literature."

(...)

Do you know anyone who hasn't read the book? Is it you? Can we be friends?

Image via Amazon