I didn't actually watch the entirety of the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night (hello, Game of Thrones finale! Val Morgulfant! Uh, Valant McMortleburger! Valur VonMo—oh screw it! A man has a seriously effed up calling card!), but I made sure to catch the opening monologue, because I had a good feeling about Russell Brand as show host.
Most of the time the opening jokes during awards shows are as weak as the tortured skits that follow, but Brand's signature rapid-fire style combined with just the right amount of snark made for great entertainment. He didn't play it safe by any means, but he also didn't push things quite so far as Ricky Gervais (thus hopefully escaping the blowback Gervais got after the 2011 Golden Globes).
If you missed Brand's performance last night, here's a rundown of some of his best lines:
Bieber vs the Paparazzi. "Justin Bieber beat up a paparazzi. Well done, Justin!" Brand said, before declaring that he found Bieber "so pretty" that "even if he was attacking me, I think I would do a little orgasm."
Brand's hilarious digs at his own past drama. Hey remember when Brand was arrested for grabbing a photographer's phone and hurling it through a window, and also that time he was married to Katy Perry for all of 14 months? He figures you do: "If after recent events you think it's hypocritical of me to joke about celebrities beating up a paparazzi, wait 'til you hear about what I've got to say about short-lived celebrity marriages."
More from The Stir: Jennifer Aniston Looked Like a 'Dirtbag' at MTV Movie Awards (VIDEO)
Kim Kardashian & KANN-ye's sex tape. Brand said he was hoping for a sex tape from the high-profile lovebirds, and added that "I think of Kim Kardashian as the Stanley Kubrick of sex tapes. They're always brilliant but he only does one a decade."
Michael's enormous Fassbender. Of actor Michael Fassbender, Brand said, "I did literally go to school with Michael Fassbender and I'm embarrassed to admit that at the time I didn't notice his huge, engorged talent as I was too busy staring at his massive cock. I deliberately removed all erotic content from this monologue 'cause he's only there in the second row and if I get him too aroused, I may lose an eye."
The appeal of Teen Mom. "Hunger Games is a story about a dystopia where poor people are humiliated for the amusement of an elite class. That will obviously never happen! Do stay tuned after the show for the new season of Teen Mom, where pregnant women are laughed at for money!"
John Travolta's massage scandal. During his inevitable Rock of Ages plug, Brand said it was the best movie since Grease—and he added that he honored that film by giving Travolta a massage before the show. "He needed it, man. He was so stiff, I'm telling ya!"
One last riff on his marriage. Brand cheerily made yet another reference to Katy Perry by announcing, "The last time I did an MTV awards show, I did end up marrying someone that was there. So tonight I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for my next wife." He then looped back to some earlier jokes, saying, "Fassbender! It has to be. I'm going to get some massage oil off Travolta. Michael, meet me in the dressing room."
Here's the video of Brand's monologue, take a look if you didn't see him in action on Sunday:
Get More: MTV Shows
Personally, I thought he was great, and I'd love to see him take on more gigs like this. Billy Crystal, you've had your day—Russell Brand for Oscars MC!
What did you think of Brand's performance as MTV Awards host?
Image via MTV