Just as the fans of Eat, Pray, Love used to run to India for meditation and Bali in the hopes of finding love, Fifty Shades of Grey readers are now following in the footsteps of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, visiting the hotel where some of the book's more infamous sex scenes took place, and buying up whips, paddles, and floggers from the local sex shop. Seriously, this is sad.

Most of the book takes place in Seattle (can't imagine what people are up to in the Starbucks bathrooms), but pivotal scenes take place in Portland. And by "pivotal," I mean someone gets whipped, presumably, or flogged, or spanked, or whatever.

The Heathman Hotel, in downtown Portland, says that it has seen an increase in business since the book became so popular. It's taking advantage of being one of the prime locations where the two randy characters get their kink on. The hotel now offers Fifty Grey-inspired packages like the "Charlie Tango," named after Christian's helicopter. The package costs $2,700 and gets you a good whipping all night long by a hot guy. Haha. No, of course it doesn't. It gets you a helicopter ride and dinner for six at the hotel. Yep, that's all it gets you. Christian is not making an appearance. He's not real, folks!

If you want to go a little cheaper -- and frankly, I would -- there's the $40 package that includes a bottle of pouille fume wine, just like the kind the two characters share in the book, as well as a Christian Grey "keepsake tie." Just to be clear, again, there's no guy involved. As for the wine, I'd thought Christian Grey was supposed to be a multimillionaire? What's up with the cheap vino, Chrissy? Couldn't break out the Chauteau Lafite for your sex slave? And I'm guessing at this price the tie is more Target than Armani.

Meanwhile, at the Fantasy sex shop in the same town, business is booming. One of their more popular items these days is the "flogger," a short whip-like instrument.

Hey, I'm all for women getting more sex, and enjoying it more, and getting whipped, and doing some flogging, and all that. I just hope that gals are actually doing that, and not just running around Portland, buying cheap ties and whips, hoping the flogger of their fantasies will show up and take them for a helicopter ride. Know what I mean?

Would you go to Portland and buy some Fifty Shades merch?


Image via Amazon