Imagine, if you will, if Fifty Shades of Grey had only been available in paperback. Can you picture every single one of the hundreds of thousands of people who bought the book brazenly reading it on the bus, on the beach, and in the doctor's waiting room? Where everyone could recognize that distinctive gray tie on the cover and know that the woman they were sitting next to was likely right at that very moment reading about Christian Grey wantonly plundering young Anastasia's ... uh, secret garden?
Of COURSE not, oh my god. A critical key to Fifty Shades' success was the fact that it could be discretely consumed on an e-reader. Few of us are brave enough to read porn in public, much less widely-recognized BDSM porn.
As cringe-worthy as it might be to be caught reading it ("Hey, that's the S&M story my book club is doing next week!"), it's even worse to imagine reading it OUT LOUD. To other people. Which is why it is SO INCREDIBLY HILARIOUS to watch Ellen DeGeneres do it.
The premise is that Ellen was asked to record the audiobook version of everyone's favorite erotic novel. It starts out in familiar territory, but after that ... well, just take a look:
Okay, I seriously can't stop laughing at this awesome clip. For the love of god, people, DON'T EAT THE PANCAKES!
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What's extra great about Ellen's bit is that however smoking-hot some of us may have found the story while enjoying it within the relative privacy of an e-reader, it's just plain impossible to have a serious conversation about the vast majority of the book's scenes. I'm not going to lie, I read the whole thing in like an afternoon and maybe even burned through the rest of the trilogy over the next couple days, but sharing it is another thing entirely. I mean, let's just look at this together:
“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that?
His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. “No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck ... hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”
My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so ... hot. But why are we looking at a playroom?
Hahahahahahahahaaaa HAAAAAAAAAA oh god. I mean, "holy shit."
Maybe the inherent squirminess and hilarity is why there's no audiobook version yet? Or maybe they just haven't found the right voice for Anastasia? At any rate, if there ever is an audio version, I definitely hope Ellen at least does the intro or something. Laters, baby. *cracks whip*
How great is Ellen's take on Fifty Shades of Grey?
Image via YouTube