If Taylor Lautner Plays a Fat, Drug-Addicted Prostitute He'll Totally Win an Oscar

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taylor lautnerNo one can accuse Taylor Lautner of not trying to break out of the Jacob/shirtless werewolf mold, not considering the strikingly broad spectrum of post-Twilight roles he's been attached to: First there was action/thriller Abduction, then he signed on to star in an upcoming Gus Van Sant project (which, being a Gus Van Sant project, is definitely going to be an indie/art house kind of something), now he's apparently been cast in Adam Sandler's ensemble comedy sequel Grown Ups 2. (Oh yeah, there was the Stretch Armstrong thing, too, but that didn't pan out.)

Anyway, I admire him for being all eager and whatnot, but if he really wants to make us forget about Twilight, Taylor Lautner needs a breakout role of epic proportions. Epic, I say! That's how it's done in Hollywood, after all.

Stars do it all the time.

Sometimes they even end up with an Oscar nod in the process.

Here are some great examples of breakout roles (watch and learn, Taylor!):

Gain weight and play a druggie prostitute who kills his victims (Charlize Theron, Monster)

Grow out his hair and play a M2F transexual (Hilary Swank, Boys Don't Cry)

Gain weight AND grow out his hair and play a junkie mob hit man (John Travolta, Pulp Fiction)

Play a drunk, sputtering war veteran (Tom Cruise, Born on the 4th of July)

Wear a cowboy hat and look hot and sleep with an older woman about to drive off a cliff (Brad Pitt, Thelma & Louise)

Play a Judge Wapner-obsessed savant (Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man)

Wear eyeliner and look hot and talk like a pirate (Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean)

Gain weight and wear a funny hat and play a pregnant cop (Frances McDormand, Fargo)

Lose a TON of weight and play a washed-up former boxer (Christian Bale, The Fighter)

Hope you've been paying attention, Taylor Lautner! Basically, either put on or take off a significant number of pounds and you should be an Oscar shoe-in.

What kind of role do you think Taylor Lautner needs to break away from Twilight?


Image via Eva Rinaldi/Flickr

taylor lautner, twilight, movies


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butte... butterflyfreak

Thank you so much for wasting my time! I thought you were writing about an ACTUAL movie where he would be playing a fat, drug addict prostitute.

nonmember avatar kmm

Taylor should be in the same ranking as Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt! Tom Cruise started acting when he was 17, just months before 18.

nonmember avatar Really?!

I didn't care enough to comment when I started skimming this article. Then I realized you'd had the gall to suggest Johnny Depp's "breakout" role was in Pirates of the Caribbean, and I had to take the time to point out that you clearly have no business writing about film.

nonmember avatar jbj

Really?! And yet, you couldn't diss her on calling Dustin Hoffman's break-out role "Rainman"? Forget about The Graduate, Midnight Cowboy or Tootsie? Re: Johnny Depp, she at least has the excuse that he was considered pretty artsy/niche before Pirates, which made him more popular among mainstream moviegoers.

Honestly, I've seen TL in drag and he would make an adorable, overweight, transgendered girl. Based on what I heard about his transition between T1 & T2, he's totally willing to put in the work. Someone get him as script and some doughnuts!

Michael Johnson

So... he should play Rush Limbaugh?

nonmember avatar Neil

Brad Pitt was not nominated for Thelma & Louise.

nonmember avatar Sakaria cold

Stop posting bad comments abt taylor hes 2 good

Lorelei-Ashley Diangelo

HAhaahha! Fuck ALL of YOUR Theories!!! Taylor Lautner, NEEDS TO BE A GAY COWBOY OR A US MARINE!!! FUCK, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise! Lautner needs to follow Jake Gyllenhaal!!! FO REAL!!!

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