The Academy Awards will air this Sunday and millions of us will be tuning in from our living rooms to watch our favorite stars walk the red carpet before, hopefully, accepting that Oscar on stage. Many of us dream about what it's like to be a part of the Hollywood glitz and glamour and fantasize about hearing our names called out by some less important presenter.
We dream about what it'd be like to stand up in feigned shock, smooth the wrinkles out of our couture gowns, and mouth kiss Meryl Streep on our way to the podium. We think about looking straight into the camera, clenching our gold statues in our fist, and saying thank you to all the little people out there who've helped us become one hell of a rich bitch who can afford personal chefs, personal trainers, and personal escorts.
The real stars, of course, don't do anything of the sort. Their speeches are always warm, and thoughtful, and frankly, a bit boring. I wish they'd say something brutally honest. Something like a big ole "eff you" to the high school drama teacher who said they'd never amount to anything with that attitude. Or a big ole "look at me now" to some mean girls from high school.
Maybe I'm just feeling a little irascible today because it's cold and wet and rainy and I'm neither in sunny California nor nominated for any sort of award. To that end, I've come up with a few things I'd really like to hear some nominees say if they won their Oscar. If they just shot us straight for once, instead of all this "I'd like to thank Fox Searchlight, etc., etc., boring boring boring" nonsense.
Perhaps if Meryl Streep wins Best Actress for the Iron Lady, she could say:
It's about fucking time, asshats. This is for Julie & Julia, Doubt, The Devil Wears Prada, Adaptation, Music of the Heart, One True Thing, The Bridges of Madison County, Postcards From the Edge, A Cry in the Dark, Ironweed, Out of Africa, Silkwood, Sophie's Choice, The French Lieutenant's Woman, aaaaaand Deer Hunter, bitches.
If Terrence Malick wins Best Director for The Tree of Life:
I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to everyone who saw my movie. it was kind of a big misunderstanding. See I thought Brad Pitt was joking this whole time. Ha ha! He's like, a prankster, you know? I never actually thought the film would be made. Anyway, everyone send me your addresses so I can mail you a $13 check. I feel kind of bad for taking your money.
If Jean Dujardin wins Best Actor for The Artist:
Absolutely nothing. He could mouth some words, maybe take a bow, then dance off the stage.
I hope we get some surprises on Sunday -- I'd love to hear Melissa McCarthy's acceptance speech if she wins for Bridesmaids, for real. Maybe she could weave in something about the "steam heat" she's emitting and how she'd like to climb Jon Hamm like a tree.
What are you hoping to see at the Oscars?
Photo via Dave B/Flickr