Nicholas Cage

It's about time that someone asked actor Nicolas Cage about this whole being a vampire business, because for the last five agonizing months, the world has been dying to know the truth behind this freaky Civil War photo. And who better to get to the bottom of the rumor than David Letterman. Nicolas Cage appeared as a guest on The Late Show last night, and in a futile effort to try to get the 48-year-old actor to lighten up even a little, Letterman whipped out a blow-up of the famous photo, supposedly of an ageless Cage, that appeared for sale on eBay back in September. Well, let me say this interview finally put one of life's greatest mysteries to rest and confirmed without a doubt one thing we all need to know about Nicolas Cage.

The man has absolutely no sense of humor. what. so. ever. What a killjoy. What a stick in the mud. What a spoilsport. What a party pooper. What a maroon. Did he forget he was on David Letterman, the place where you are supposed to make jokes?

Cage had this awesome opportunity to string us along for a little while, throw out some hilarious one-liners, but he totally sucked it. Take a look.

"Let me just say there is a resemblance but, how can I be polite about this, it's a somewhat slowed down version of me."

Wow, what does that even mean? I guess it was sort of funny because someone in the audience laughed. Honestly, the only laughable thing about the interview is the point at which Cage actually starts trying to use logic to prove he's not a vampire:

"There's a photo of me [pointing to Moonstruck photo from Letterman] and you can't take pictures of vampires."

You know, like it's an unchallenged fact that photography cannot capture the image of a vampire.

He goes on:

"Look, I don't drink blood and the last time I looked in the mirror I had a reflection. So I'm not going with this vampire theory, just not going to do it."

Okay, Nick, okay. We'll back off now. We're convinced that the photo is a fake and you're not really a vampire. Geez.

Did you think Nicolas Cage was funny on Letterman?