No. No, no, no, no, no. Bradley Cooper is NOT the Sexiest Man Alive. I'm sorry, but I totally disagree. I'll allow that he's attractive enough if viewed from the right angle and I'm able to banish some of his less-appealing roles from my brain (the first 20 minutes of Limitless, for instance, or every single episode of Alias ever), and he seems like an unusually smart cookie for Hollywood, but sexy? No.
Sexy can be about looks, but it's not purely about looks. Sexy has less to do with having photogenic features and more to do with the character that oozes from the screen. Sexy creates desire, sparks fantasies, and is the driving force behind the millions of NC-17 fanfiction stories posted on the Internet.
Sexy is also subjective, so it's true I may be in the minority when I say HELL NO, BRAD MUST GO. Still, I say People robbed at least three well-known actors by giving the Sexiest Man honor to Bradley Cooper.
For instead, can we talk about Alexander Skarsgård?
No, really. Can we talk about Alexander Skarsgård? For, like, hours? Because I'm pretty sure he's the hottest thing that's ever lit up the screen EVER. I've had a painful crush on him since Generation Kill, and as True Blood's Eric Northman, he only got sexier. (Well, as soon as he lost the ponytail.) There's just something about the way he towers over people that makes me want to ... you know, do real bad things to him.
Also, may I direct your attention to Idris Elba.
Idrissa Akuna "Idris" Elba, perhaps better known to some of you as Stringer Bell from The Wire, has sex appeal for DAYS. I mean, remember how Stringer would wear those little glasses? MMRRROWW. For god's sake, he even made The Office feel like a rated-R environment when he guest-starred as Michael's boss in 2009. Now, in comparison to Bradley Cooper, who would make the better James Bond—a character known for his sex appeal? IDRIS FREAKING ELBA, that's who.
Finally, let us discuss the slightly mystifying appeal of Ryan Gosling.
Honestly, I can understand why the preceding two actors weren't picked by People for the Sexiest Man Alive honor. They always go with someone who's currently burning up the ticket sales, which is why they should have chosen Ryan Gosling. I mean, the guy is box office gold right now, and as for whether or not he's sexy—well, have you seen Drive? Did you see the way he looked at Carey Mulligan in that movie? THAT WAS SO SEXY I CAN BARELY TYPE THIS RIGHT NOW JUST REMEMBERING IT. He's a bit of an oddball in the looks department, but sex appeal? Oh yeah.
Which is all to say, People, you got it wrong. WAY wrong. It's an OUTRAGE, I say! In fact, I feel the need for a sympathy card to soothe my pain:
What do you think—was Bradley Cooper the right choice as Sexiest Man Alive?