An Open Letter to Justin Bieber on Condom Use

Celebrities 20

Dear Justin:

I know you have plenty of caring adults in your life and you've managed to avoid a lot of the pitfalls of fame. So congratulations on not becoming a junkie, crashing your car through a storefront, or having your first beer and then spontaneously marrying Lindsay Lohan.

But despite your upstanding ways, scandal found you anyway. I've heard all about this Mariah Yeater claiming you got her alone in a bathroom back stage and now she has a 4-month-old baby made out of your DNA.

I'm not here to discuss her part in this drama, even though she's three years older than you and is suddenly no doubt very conversant with the phrase "statutory rape."

My concern today is a delicate one. I know how hard it is for parents to have "the talk" with a post-pubescent child, so I feel that it's my duty to explain something extremely important to you.

First of all, you need to make sure that the condom you're using is fresh.

Don't use a condom that's been flattened in someone's wallet for the last three years; go to the drugstore and get your own. Buying your own condom is the only way to know for sure that no one's put a pinprick hole in it. Oh, yeah. People do stuff like that. It's called "entrapment" and this won't be the first time someone tries it on you.

If you're embarrassed to buy your own condoms, or afraid someone you know will see you, drive to the next county over. Well, in your case, maybe the next country over. You know what, that's not going to work either, you're just too well known.

How about this: get a post office box using your middle name, buy some condoms over the Internet, and have the condoms shipped to the P.O. box.

But which condoms do you choose? That is a personal decision, Justin, and not one I can make for you. There are so many options out there. My advice is, until you become more experienced, keep it simple. Colors and flavors may be a nice ice breaker, but you seem like a guy who wants to wait for someone special to come along, so my guess is by the time you're in the heat of the moment, you're just going to want a condom that's easy to get on and does the job. You don't need one that plays "Billie Jean" and smells like a chocolate chip cookie.

Next, you want to practice putting them on. That should be fun! Before you start wasting any condoms (I know you're rich, but they can get expensive), try ripping open a few tea bag sleeves with your teeth first. I recommend chamomile -- you don't want to get too jittery at this point! When that tearing action starts to feel natural, move on to the condoms.

When you're ready for the next stage, take the condom out of its sleeve and center it over the tip of a banana, Italian squash, or fully-cooked and cooled bratwurst, and then roll it completely down. If you feel embarrassed and are afraid you won't even get this far, and that someone in the grocery store will think you're buying fruit, vegetables, and sausage to have sex with, don't worry! Most people will simply think you're an adventurous eater.

I know that condoms aren't 100 percent effective at preventing pregnancy or STDs, but apart from total abstinence, they're your best bet right now.

I'm glad we had this little talk.

 

Photo by Eugene Gologursky/Getty

celebs, sex ed, celebrity gossip

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nonmember avatar Kara

So funny! Hey, someone needs to have the talk with him...

Sarah Ray

How about if you are too embarrassed to go to the store to buy condoms, you are too immature to be having sex!?!

hanna... hannahsmom238

You really shoudnt open a condom with your teeth. It's a good way to tear them. Also what sarah ray said.

Mama2... Mama2MonkeyBoys

I'm still embarrassed to go to the store and buy condoms, for goodness sake. Some people are just shy about that. It doesn't help that you usually have to have a clerk come unlock the damned case they're kept in. I'm embarrassed to buy pregnancy tests, and I have 2 children for crying out loud.
It has nothing to do with maturity. Some people just don't want to broadcast that information to the whole world.

Rania Marcella

Justin Bieber Lost Virginity & Fathered 3 Month Old Son?! PHOTOS http://www.dnatestingblog.com/justin-bieber-lost-virginity-fathered-3-month-son-photos/

arlis... arliss123

I'm not sure why this is a huge deal...yet. A paternity test will clear things up very quickly, one way or another.

Opal_... Opal_skye86

This post doesn't make much sense, since she supposedly had one, asked him to use it, and he refused to use it. Either way, who cares. I hate Hollywood, how much useless shot can we cram in their brains today?

every... everythingbugs

Well done! Will you have this little talk with my kids?

nonmember avatar Carrie

Amen to that. Being embarrassed of buying condoms doesn't gauge your maturity level. Some people are just naturally shy about that and they don't want everyone to know they're having sex. It's a personal matter, not a maturity matter.

Elizabeth Gronewald

I used to be embarrassed about being seen buying underwear by any male. This was not because I was immature, but due to the fact that my panties are my private business. This argument can be made for buying condoms, pads,or any other item a person deems personal enough.

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