Hey guys. Just an FYI? I'm lickin' a sucker as I boisterously bounce up and down on the bed while drenched in a soakin' wet white mini-tee and pink panties. I'm feeling dangerous! Wait. Sorry. That's not me. Oops! Haha! That's Courtney Stodden, the teen bride who's married 51-year-old creeper and "actor" Doug Hutchison.
Sometimes I feel like I am her because she's just every woman, you know? She understands, like we women do, that a great way to garner respect is to tweet soft-pornographic messages about bouncing half-naked in bed ... and to star in a reality show. (Yep, that's happening.)
Courtney's tweets and quotes aren't just limited to sexy bedtime scenes, though. She also tweets about her voluptuous body in a bath with butterflies, and at one point I believe she's describing having sex with a pillow. So! Let's take a look at the 10 most ridiculous things to either come out of Courtney's mouth or her Twitter account, shall we?
- On her first night with husband Doug on their honeymoon: "We went to the Chateau Marmont in Hollywood it was so beautiful it was a wonderful experience. I was aroused for 24 hours straight." (Anyone else just vomit?)
- On her idea of higher education: "I would go to college and study all of Doug. All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun." (Agreed. College is so lame. What with the learning new things, drinking, and doing hot, young, guys, it's terrible.)
- On 9/11: "Spreading myself out sexily beneath the shimmering sky as shooting stars sweetly set-off across the sensational sphere. This is so stunning!" Followed up with: "Expressing all of my love & luminous light today to all of the phenomenal families & heavenly heroes that were affected by 9/11. God Bless!" (Because nothing turns me on more than the memory of 3,000 Americans perishing in collapsing buildings.)
- On her relationship with the Lord: "Drenched within a very sensuous Sunday morning! God Bless! 'Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.' Proverbs 16:3." (Does she realize that the "LORD" isn't Doug nor Hollywood?)
- On aging gracefully: "Celebrating the last night of being sweet-n-sexy 16 by wearing NOTHING but my tasty bday-suit! Mmm; Yummy! ;-)" (When I turned 17 I got drunk off wine coolers after soccer practice wearing NOTHING but my grass-stained sweatpants, Nike t-shirt, wind-breaker, smelly sports bra, earmuffs, shin guards, tall socks, and cleats.)
- On what she thinks guys wanna hear: "Experiencing such a wet 'n wild afternoon by turning on a water hose and squirting it all over my heated flesh! Mmm feeling rejuvenated! XOs" (Ack, OK. She may have a point there.)
- On bed bugs: "Sensuously straddling this pillow as sweet fantasies tenderly flutter like butterflies throughout my entire being. ;-) http://pic.twitter.com/unq5Bd6T"
- On being grateful: "Sending all of my exotic love & sexual gratitude to the actress who portrayed me on The Soup last night on E!" (Hmm. Sexual gratitude? Gross.)
- On making out with God, and making no sense: "Softly kissing my exhilarated body with God's sweet suns beaming warmth and it's touchable light. Mmm this is stimulating! :-)"
- On, well, savory Saturdays: "Sensually standing under the showers scalding hot stream of spice as it slowly starts to melt me into sweet sugar! Mmm It's Savory Saturday!"
Thanks to Courtney's twitter page for gems three through ten!
What disturbs you most about Courtney?
Photo via eonline.com