I don't even know where to begin with this unraveling trainwreck about Michaele Salahi, Tareq Salahi, and Neal Schon. I mean, let's see, we've got a famewhoring couple who crashed a White House dinner, briefly landed a reality show, made a big media fuss recently when Michaele reportedly went missing, and now they're lingering in the news like a shoe-smear of wet dog poop because it turns out Michaele left her husband for the guitarist from Journey. Do I have that about right?
While I'd like to report that the happy ending to this ridiculous story involved all three of them being lined up, horsewhipped, and forbidden by law from ever granting another interview, I'm sorry to say that the drama continues with a salacious exclusive between Michaele, Neal, and The Daily Beast.
Grab your barf bag, folks.
It turns out that Michaele and Neal—who originally dated in the late '90s—had been communicating by text for quite a while, via a top secret communications device Michaele had hidden from her controlling husband Tareq. Schon sent complimentary tickets and backstage passes to the Salahis for a Journey concert being held in Virigina, and when Tareq and Michaele showed up, she whipped off her wedding ring, entered Schon's dressing room, and declared her undying love—to which he replied, romantically, "Get over here! This has taken 15 years!"
Blah blah blah fast-forward nine days to Michaele deciding she couldn't wait one more minute to be with her true love:
I was going crazy. Because when you want to be with someone that bad, you start to go crazy. He sent someone to come get me. I got on a plane by myself and I just went. I just walked away from everything.
Then of course there was the media circus about her "kidnapping," the public revelation that she'd run off, a pants-wettingly hilarious appearance on Good Morning America by Tareq's attorney (seriously, I can't stop looking at that guy's face. Does he have a PINECONE rammed up his ass, or?), and a massive smear campaign launched by Tareq via TMZ.
As for Schon's part, he wasn't exactly free and clear to hook up, either. It turns out his companion of two years, a former Playboy model and soft-core porn actress named Ava Fabian, may have married him in Paris as recently as two months ago.
Boy, this whole story just keeps on getting classier. I can't wait to hear about the secret love child, the murky allegations of abuse, the dueling tell-all books, and their inevitable reunion on Celebrity Rehab. In the meantime, I'd like to cordially invite Neal Schon to eat a bag of dicks for besmirching The Sopranos, because now whenever I hear "Don't Stop Believin'," I'm going to think of this sleazy mess, instead of my favorite series finale of all time.
What do you think is going to happen next in the saga of Salahis vs. Journey?
Image via YouTube