Robert Pattinson Makes Ashton Kutcher Feel Inferior

Jacqueline Burt Cote
23

ashton kutcherYou ready to throw down, Ashton Kutcher? Look, I've never said a word about your messed-up, bordering on necrophiliac thing with Demi Moore, I never made fun of your so-cheesy-I'm-gonna-gag Nikon commercials, and as for your obnoxious habit of prancing around in your underwear ... well, more on that later. BUT now that you had the audacity to call Robert Pattinson a gay vampire, all bets are off, baby. Them's fightin' words!!

What did RPattz ever do to you, Ashton? Are you feeling a little insecure because he took your place as the poster boy of choice on millions of tween girls' bedroom walls? Or is it that his hot brunette GF doesn't qualify for Social Security yet?

Or maybe you're miffed because (and now I'm circling back to the underwear bit, aw yeah!) RPattz doesn't have to take his pants off to get our attention. Hell, he doesn't even have to take his shirt off! That's why poor Taylor Lautner has to be shirtless for the majority of every Twilight movie -- otherwise we wouldn't bother to take our eyes off of RPattz as Edward at all!

And while we're on the subject, Ashton, you do realize who your target demographic is when you're playing an underwear model, right? You have looked at yourself in the mirror recently? (Ridiculous question; I assume you do that all the time.) See, maybe you didn't notice this before, but you're a pretty boy. All I'm saying is, if I were you, I wouldn't be so quick to piss off any gay vampires, werewolves ... accountants, plumbers, you name it.

The only possible excuse I can think up for your regrettable comment is this: Maybe now that you've been cast as Charlie Sheen's replacement on Two and a Half Men, you somehow caught a strain of whatever madness it is that makes him spew out nonsense about trolls and tiger blood and WINNING?

That better be the reason, Ashton, and I'm going to need to see a doctor's note. ASAP. Understand?

Why do you think Ashton Kutcher would publicly diss Robert Pattinson?

 

Image via David Shankbone/Flickr

Read More