Last night on The Voice, Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton's teams were slashed in half, and Adam Levine and Cee-Lo Green's teams took the stage to sing their pants off for our approval. There were some fire dancers, some people banging on empty buckets, and an awkward spa scene that scarred me for life. Needless to say, a lot happened in the 120-minute quarterfinal. But let's begin with the elimination. That's most of the fun, right?
I gotta hand it to The Voice, I like that they started out the show by destroying two teenagers' dreams. Nothing like a good old soul crushing to get the party started! And I love that Christina and Carson couldn't have cared less.
Carson Daly, who by the way is no Ryan Seacrest, announced that OMG he didn't peek at the results card even though he totally could have, and that Beverly McClellan was saved by America. We did it! Good job, team USA. I like Bev. I don't know if that's because I feel like she could throw a dart in my neck from 50 feet across the bar and kill me in my Miller Lite, or because she's a good entertainer, but either way, she's safe. Hooray!
Then Christina, in her artless, dueling Swiss Miss braids and bright orange skin, fake cried, sniff sniff, her way, sniff sniff, through eliminating, sniff sniff, the beautiful and, sniff sniff, talented, sniff sniff, Raquel Castro and Lily Elise. She saved Frenchie Davis, thus securing a team of two bald women over 30. Interesting.
Blake's team had to wait 'til the end of the episode, which was 11 p.m. EST for crying-out-loud, to hear their fate (doesn't anyone else have to work in the morning?!). But any Blake camera time is definitely worth waiting for, and I'm glad we stuck it out. America saved Dia Frampton because we can't say no to a gorgeous ambiguously ethnic singer-songwriter. Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton each had a hit or two using this formula. Dia doesn't do it for me, I like Jared Blake, but apparently I'm the only one, because Blake Shelton chose to save church-mouse Xenia. Why she doesn't have a last name is odd to me, but I guess Blake sees beyond that and feels like she's someone to mold. So Blake's team has Xenia and Dia, two beautiful girls under 25. Interesting.
Then there were the performances from Adam's team and Cee-Lo's. The Thompson sisters, in their matching sexy sailor dresses, sang "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" and I felt like I couldn't hear them. "Speak UP!" I wanted to yell at the young sisters. But Cee-Lo, dressed like Mrs. Clause, thought it was charming, I'm sure.
Casey Weston from Adam's team sang "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" and made me miss Katharine McPhee from American Idol. She did that song way better. And she's way prettier. What! It's true. And that matters in this biz.
Cee-Lo's Vicci Martinez sang "Jolene" by Dolly Parton but the whole performance was in the dark so I'm not actually sure if Vicci sang it or not. Adam's Devon Barley was entirely uncomfortable on stage and sang the worst song in recent history, "Stop and Stare" by One Republic.
I will skip the group performance by Cee-Lo's team. All I could see during their rendition of "Everyday People" was Cee-Lo's inhumanely short arms. The rest is a blur.
Cee-Lo's Nakia sang "Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon and I was worried that his greased-back hair would catch fire from one of those blazing whirling batons the dancers carried. Also, remember when he did that weird figure skating twirl and ended on his knees? What the duck was THAT? He sounded good, though.
Adam's Jeff Jenkins, my fave, sang Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel." Is he not the Jacee Badoo of The Voice? He said his mom was his best friend and I lost it. Jeff FTW!
Adam had his team over for lunch at his house, and I could just tell that the meal was calorie and portioned controlled, and Adam was all, "you sure you wanna eat that?" to any of his team members who went in for the courtesy dessert. I'm half convinced that Gwyneth Paltrow was in Adam's kitchen preparing the macro-biotic meal. The Maroon Five lead singer just strikes me as someone who's a) afraid of food b) super self-conscious about his looks. However, their group performance of "With a Little Help From My Friends" was killer. That's my jam.
Cee-Lo's country crooner, Curtis Grimes, bored me to tears with his unenergetic performance of "Addicted to Love." Good-bye, Curty.
It was clear they saved the best for last when Adam's Javier Colon sang a little poetry courtesy of Sarah McLachlan. His "Angel" rendition not only made me want to adopt more dying puppies and kittens than Debbie from E-Harmony, but also made me want to stand up and cheer for the father of two from Connecticut. Bravo!
So who do you think will be saved? I think it'll be Vicci and Nakia from Cee-Lo's team, and Javier and Jeff from Adam's.
What do you think? Do you love The Voice? Me too!
Photo via nbc.com