Gwyneth Paltrow Places the Most Pretentious Want Ad Ever

Nicole Fabian-Weber
21

gwyneth paltrowOne day Gwyneth Paltrow is going to do something not annoying. And one day I will stop wishing we were friends. Or now, work mates.

Her Gwynethsty is in the market for a nanny. And she isn't just looking for someone who's going to clock in, pop in a Baby Einstein DVD, and call it a day. She wants someone almost as fancy and stuck up as herself. Here is her criteria:

  • Must speak -- and be able to teach -- ancient Greek, Latin, French, and Spanish (for when they build their organic plant-based time machine).
  • Must be able to play two instruments ('cause dad's too busy).
  • Must be sporty (aka fatties need not apply).

Sure, the qualifications are steep, but the hours -- and the pay! -- are pretty unbelievable. Now may be a good time to dust off that clarinet. And pick up a box of reeds.

Gwyneth and Chris, or as you know them, The Martins, are looking for someone to work two to four hours a day for $98,000 a year. And you thought rich liberal arts majors never did anything with their lives.

Other responsibilities perks of the job include rent-free living at their London home and all-expense paid travel. "Aw, man, we're going to the Venice Film Festival again?" Ooh, or how about: "Aw, man, Mario Batali is coming over to try recipes? And I have to be the taste-tester? Fiiiine." Really, this post could just be a bunch of "Aw mans ..."

My discerning Gwyneth eye is noticing one chink in her plan to outfit her children with the poshest nanny in all the land, though. The people who have these qualifications probably are looking for nannies themselves. Anyone who speaks (and teaches!) Ancient Greek either already has a job doing something really smart and confusing, or is as rich and privileged as Gwynnie. Those people aren't just lying around, Gwyneth. Those people are you. The rest of us have been too busy working and watching The Bachelor to bone up on our dead languages.

But, dude, for two hours of work a day, at a hundred grand a year, I might be willing to do just that. Now where do I apply ... Madame?

Do you think Gwyneth's nanny requests are a bit over the top?

 

Image via Chris Jackson/Getty

Read More