Dear Diary: Lindsay Lohan's House Arrest Journal

Jacqueline Burt Cote
2

Lindsay Lohan red carpetPoor house-arrested LiLo found herself back in the news this week when her ankle bracelet inexplicably went off, which made me wonder ... what exactly does Lindsay DO all day as a prisoner in her own home? Under the terms of her arrest, the starlet is not allowed to leave her $7,100 per month rental property in Venice, CA, for 35 days (though she can have visitors). Beats the state pen, but that's still a long time for a free spirit like Lindsay to be cooped up in one spot. Still, I don't think she'll let things get too dull. Maybe a Day in the Life of Lindsay would read something like this:

 

Noon, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

So I actually woke up bored this morning. Like, I was bored before I even got out of bed, I am so sick of being stuck in this house. But then I felt better when I went on Twitter, cause Leo DiCaprio replied to my tweet about that poor tiger being kept in a cage at a truck stop in Louisiana. So mean! Leo agrees we have to spread the word. Yay, a cause! I'm totally going to write a bunch of emails to animal rights people after what's-her-name makes me some Detox Tea. (What is her name?? Oh well, I only hired her a couple of weeks ago.)

3 p.m., Tuesday

Disaster! I was all comfy on the couch, getting ready to tweet some more about tigers (except I was kinda distracted cause I was also watching TRON on my 3D tv, which is sooo amazing!) but I wanted more tea. So I called what's-her-name from the kitchen (I still can't remember her name but I just went "Um, hello??" in a loud voice and that got her attention) and asked her to bring me another mug. And then -- this was completely my fault, btw -- just as she came over with the tea she tripped over this huge pile of Vanity Fair magazines my mom bought when I was on the cover and spilled the entire mug on my feet, which were propped up on some pillows. It wasn't hot enough to burn me or anything but that effing ankle bracelet got drenched, and they told me not to get it wet. Wonder why? Guess I'll find out.

6 p.m., Tuesday

Found out why you're not supposed to get ankle bracelets wet! I totally needed some sun, so I threw on a bikini and went up to my rooftop to read scripts (I swear if Barry Levinson doesn't recast me in the Gotti movie I am going on a bender!). And, you know, it was kind of a lonely day so I figured I'd throw the paparazzi a few poses (this one guy who's always hanging around is kinda cute, even though I can't tell if he's a photographer or a stalker. I'll probably invite him over anyway.). And then all of a sudden I see these cops pull up! And before I knew it I heard what's-her-name running up the stairs going "Miss Lohan! Miss Lohan!" and of course the cops are right behind her. And they're all like, "Take any field trips today, Lindsay? You know your ankle monitor went off a little while ago. Got anything you want to tell us?" And I was like "What are you talking about? I've been here all day, ask ... that lady who makes me tea!" That's when I figured it out -- the tea must screwed up the ankle GPS or whatever it is. Fml! Oh well, at least the cops were pretty cool about it once I explained. One of them even said he liked my bikini. I think I might call him tomorrow. Imagine if I had a boyfriend who was a policeman?! That might not be a bad idea, actually.

1 a.m., Wednesday

Omg so funny! Ended up hanging out all night with cute cop AND cute paparazzi guy (who totally is a stalker, it turns out, but it wasn't creepy or anything cause the cop was here too). They're still here watching TRON, so I better get back downstairs. xoxoxo

What do you think Lindsay does all day?

 

Image via avrilllllla/Flickr

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