The fact that he's a Top 2 finalist on American Idol—and slightly tipping the odds to win this season's competition—means one thing: you people really, really like Scotty McCreery.
Make no mistake, I am judging you for this, America. Just like I do for your inexplicable seasonal obsession for the pork-based, "bone"-shaped McRib sandwich.
I'm not saying Scotty McCreery is an unlikable kid or anything. He seems like a wholesome, upstanding young man with a great talent for both singing and remaining relaxed in what has to be an insanely stressful environment.
It's just that I ... well, I can't stand watching him sing. And I can't understand why everyone else loves it so much.
Here's why I'm not a fan of "Scotty the Body" (what kind of nickname is that, anyway?):
The microphone grip. I don't care what reason he has for the habit of holding the microphone sideways, it drives me up a wall.
The sideways mouth-thing. He sings out of the side of his mouth. HE SINGS OUT OF THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH. Is that the only way to dig out a big enough twang? Or is it a result of holding his mic like he's the freaking Pied Piper?
The eyebrows. Really, all of his nonstop facial mugging comes off as spectacularly corny to me, but the wriggling eyebrows are too much. I guess I wouldn't go so far as to say they're lecherous, since he's only 17, but in a year? THEY WILL BE.
The pure-as-driven-snow vibe. Look, I appreciate that he's a nice Christian country boy and all, but kissing his cross necklace and saying, "Lord, this is not my doing" when faced with the EVIL SATANIC TEMPTRESS that is Lady Gaga? Give me a break.
The one-trick-pony voice. I know the kid can sing. He can sing the hell out of a specific sort of genre, which is perfect for what I am sure will be a wildly successful country career for him. That doesn't mean I find it enjoyable to listen to. I like some country (think Waylon Jennings and Johnny Cash), but it's safe to say I'll be flipping stations if I'm exposed to "I Love You This Big" ever again.
While voting has always proven to be highly unpredictable, my guess is that McCreery will be crowned the winner tonight. As the confetti rains down, he'll lift that mic sideways and set his eyebrows to "stun" while the comparatively non-annoying Lauren Alaina struggles not to weep—and it will be all your fault.
Image via AmericanIdol.com