The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is warning Americans of an imminent zombie apocalypse and telling them how to prepare for such an emergency. OK, so it's a joke, but our preparation ought not be. Zombies are imminent. I repeat: zombies are imminent.
With Doomsday prophet Harold Camping telling us Judgment Day is Saturday, May 21 and believers in the Mayan end of the world 2012 prophecy telling us Camping is wrong, but they're right, it sure does seem like a lot of people believe the world is ending. And we all know, the end of the world means only one thing: zombies. Lots of them.
Bloody awesome, slow walking, brain-eating, hilariously dead zombies. And as someone who has watched far more than her fair share of zombie movies, I offer these five survival tips:
- Avoid the mall: Zombies will go back to where they were comfortable. In Dawn of the Dead, David Emge's character says, "Some kind of instinct ... this was an important place in their lives." Later Ken Foree's character says, "They don't know why, they just remember ... that they want to be in here." So avoid the mall. Go to places people never want to be, like the Social Security office or the DMV.
- Aim for the head: We all know the undead are pretty much unstoppable. Shoot 'em in the leg, they keep on coming at you; bash them in the foot, you aren't going to get ahead. But the head, oh yes, the head. Get good with a shotgun and blow what's left of their brains out Woody Harrelson in Zombieland style. The undead are almost guaranteed to leave you alone after that.
- Beware the slow zombie: It may seem like slower zombies would be easier to outrun and get away from, but that is actually incorrect. The slower ones creep up on you in greater numbers. In the Zombie Survival Guide, an amusing book on surviving an attack of the undead, author Max Brooks tells us: "Zombies appear to be incapable of running. The fastest have been observed to move at a rate of barely one step per 1.5 seconds." So get your head start, but don't think they won't keep trying! Do not become complacent!
- Wear a helmet: If there is one thing I learned from zombie movies, it's that the living dead want to munch on the gooey stuff inside your skull. So protect it. Wear a helmet. Why no one thought of this before me is beyond me, but there you go. You can thank me later.
- Shoot the bitten: While it sucks to have to blow grandma's head off, she will thank you for it at some point (or not since she will be dead) because, really, who wants their reanimated corpse getting up and chasing brains? Once a person is bitten, they're a goner, so shoot them and move on. It's better that way.
I feel I have a leg up given the roughly 40 zombie movies I possess and have watched over the years. For the rest of you: good luck!
What is your zombie survival tip?
Image via Eric, Eh?/Flickr