'Titanic' 3D Re-Release Makes My Heart Sink

Maressa Brown

titanicIt's official: The heart does go on. The movie everyone saw at least five times in the theater back in 1997, Titanic, will be making its first big re-appearance on the big screen April 6, 2012, to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the Titanic's doomed maiden voyage. But, oh no, that's not it. Wait for it, wait for it ... Leonardo DiCaprio (as your favorite artist and drifter Jack Dawson) and Kate Winslet (as the gorgeous, troubled Rose DeWitt Bukater) will sail again in 3D.

Agh! This is like something that has been a joke in Hollywood for YEARS, right? When thinking of what film would make the least sense in 3D, as far as plot goes, the first flick that comes to mind for me is Titanic. Think about it ... will we feel like we're heading right into the "iceberg straight ahead!"? Will it seem as though Cal's bullets are headed right at us instead of Jack? Worse yet, will it look like people are falling off the ship right into our laps?

Seriously, the last hour of the film is so gut-wrenching ("Jack?? Rose?? Where are you, Jack??? I'm here, Rose! Rose? The keys, Rose! Why did you do that, Rose, you're so stupid!!! I'll never let go, Jack. Jack?") -- it's difficult not to fast-forward through it. Let alone watch it come at us in 3D. Gah! Paramount Pictures, Twentieth Century Fox, 3D? WHAT are you thinking?

They and director James Cameron say they're just trying to bring the "epic experience" of Titanic to "a whole generation that's never seen [it] as it was meant to be seen, on the big screen." But you know they're psyched to re-ring the cash register.

I'm afraid. Afraid of the return of this film to our everyday culture. Will it happen all over again ... the return of people blasting Celine Dion in their cars. Oh, and worse yet, attempting to SING it! People returning again ... and again ... and again ... to a movie theater to watch the same ship sink over and over. Dahhh, it's like James Cameron is trying to make us those Titanic brainwashed zombies we were back in 1997. After the success of Avatar, he truly believes he is the King Emperor of the World!

Ok, but seriously, I guess I'll go see it again. After all, I do love me some Leo and Kate, and somehow, the last time they were on the big screen together (Revolutionary Road) was even more of a downer than Titanic!

Do you want to see Titanic on the big screen in 3D next year?


Image via Amazon

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