Let's just get right into my unpopular opinion so you can start picking out the right frowny-face emoticon for your comment: I cannot stand Oprah Winfrey.
Well, maybe that's a little harsh. I don't know her personally, after all. I just can't stand watching her show. I'm rarely interested in the topics at hand, I don't like how she swans around on stage like a queen bellowing catchphrases to her loyal subjects, and I feel squirmy and embarrassed for everyone in the audience who appears to be constantly on the verge of urinating themselves in an Oprah-induced fan frenzy.
Also, I absolutely blame her for that execrable Dr. Oz character and the fact that he has HIS own show now.
Now that she's down to the final handful of episodes before she hangs up the interview mic and reappears on OWN or runs for office or becomes canonized or whatever she's going to do next, The Oprah Winfrey Show has reached a sort of fever pitch, and it's all your fault.
Yes, you. The one with the O subscription and the penchant for humorously quoting that "You get a car!" thing.
Yesterday Oprah taped two of her final three episodes in front of 20,000 star-struck, incontinent fans at Chicago's United Center. It was a massive, over-the-top event, with celebrities like Madonna, infamous couch-jumper Tom Cruise, and Tom Hanks all showing up because oh my god they're all Oprah-bots too.
The show, which will air as a two-part series on May 23 and 24, sounds like it was quite the celebrity rodeo show. Some of the big names who showed up for the taping include Halle Berry, Katie Homes, Queen Latifah, Dakota Fanning, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, Michael Jordan, Simon Cowell, Jerry Seinfeld, Jamie Foxx, Stevie Wonder, Rosie O'Donnell, Maria Shriver, and poet Maya Angelou.
It also featured performances from Beyoncé, Will Smith, America's Got Talent singer Jackie Evancho, Patti LaBelle, and Josh Groban.
I've heard her "Favorite Things" shows have EMTs standing nearby in case an audience member keels over from all the excitement, but for this one, they must have installed a defibrillator under each seat.
In all seriousness, I'm glad for the positive effects she's had on so many people over the years, and the utterly amazing amount of charity work she's done. Oprah, I will not be joining the crowds who weep and rend garments in front of their televisions when your final episode airs on May 25, but I wish you well.
Now, please, add one last bit of goodwill to the world, and get rid of Dr. Oz. And Dr. Phil, while you're at it. You get a pink slip! And YOU get a pink slip!
Will you be tuning in for Oprah's final episodes next week?
Image via Oprah.com