New 'Conan the Barbarian' Trailer Makes Me Miss Arnold

Linda Sharps

Remember the old Conan the Barbarian movies? Man, they were great, weren't they? So subtle and well-written, so cinematically artistic, so—

Oh, okay, fine. They sucked even for the '80s.

Still, they hold a special cheesy place of nostalgia in my heart, and so with the release of the new Conan 2011 trailer, once again I find myself waving my virtual cane at the Hollywood kids on my lawn.

(I mean, come on, must EVERYTHING be redone? Eighty thousand original scrips out there, and the majority of what gets green-lit: rebooted comic book franchises.)

In the latest trailer, which expands on the teaser released last month, Jason Momoa plays the beefy Conan warrior. While Arnold always looked sort of comically stupid as Conan, Momoa just looks mean. And maybe a bit drag-queeny, somehow? Did barbarians wear guyliner?

By the way, here's a fun exercise: compare and contrast Momoa as Conan to the actual Jason Momoa. Duuuuuuuuude. So freaky, brah.

Rose McGowan also stars in the film as Marique, a part-human/part-witch villainess who looks more than a little like Helena Bonham Carter in Alice in Wonderland. Apparently McGowan's crazy makeup job required six hours of work each day, starting at 2:30 in the morning, so she should probably win an Oscar for "Most Suffering Endured to Be in a Crappy Movie" or something.

Not that I can be certain it's going to be crappy, of course, but the evidence doesn't look good: it is, of course, being released in 3-D.

Oddly enough, the movie's director, Marcus Nispel, confessed that he's never even seen the Arnold Schwarzenegger Conan movies. He plans to do a little comparison work soon:

I haven't actually seen the Arnold stuff. I'm excited to see it. I was three years old when it came out ... I can't wait to see it. I want to see mine and then I'm going to watch that one, back to back.

Aw, does that mean the new movie won't include that classic Ah-nold line, "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!"

Here are the two trailers for your viewing enjoyment, with the original version first:

What do you think? Will you be watching the new Conan the Barbarian in August?

Image via YouTube

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