Hey, did you guys know that Pia Toscano was voted off last week? In case your forgot, the American Idol producers reminded us 90 times throughout last night's 90-minute episode that we all made a mistake. Bad, America! "Every vote counts," they shoved down our throats. Well you know what, Idol? If every vote counts, I'd like to remind you that the judges should count for something, too. I'm so sick of them blaming us for Pia's elimination. Hey! Maybe if the judges had said even one thing negative, given one constructive criticism, to even one contestant, maybe Pia would still be around! Instead it's all "everyone is amazing!!!"
Well judges, no. Not everyone is amazing. If I have to be the bad guy here, FINE. Some people really suck and had you told them they weren't that good, maybe Pia would've sang on your stage last night. Are most of them better than 99% of wannabe singers? You bet! But we're judging on a curve here, and there are winners, and there are losers. Allow me.
It was movie night, as in contestants had to sing songs that were in movies. Whatever. I hadn't heard of half of these "films." Oh, and will.i.am was still there giving advice. Think he's getting paid?
Paul sang "Old Time Rock and Roll" from Risky Business. That was pretty much the worst Idol performance I'd seen in a while. Again with his Nudie suit and creepy dance moves, Paul served up a big old plate of uncomfortable. I think even he's starting to wonder why he's still there. I don't want Paul's album, if he ever makes one. His awkward Ray LaMontagne impersonation is starting to piss me off. Who the hell does Paul think he is? I feel like he's laughing at us. Guess what. The judges loved it!
Lauren sang Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" from Hannah Montana. TGFL. Thank God For Lauren. I loved it. Loved it! She is so good. And her outfit was awesome. She's my front runner. She really did put Miley to shame, like Jimmy Iovine said she would. Guess what. The judges loved it!
Stefano sang "End of the Road" from Boomerang. We all know how much I dislike the Stefano, but he did pretty well last night. He still needs to tone down his Gumby face and grow three feet, but that's not going to happen overnight. Unfortunately I think his performance was good enough to keep him out of the bottom three. Guess what. The judges loved it!
Scotty sang George Strait's "I Crossed My Heart" from Pure Country. And this, folks, is where Scotty starts to lose us. That was so boring, Scotty is so asexual, and now I feel like he's just singing the same things over and over again. There was a sign in the audience that said something like "Grandmas Love Scotty!" and I was all like, dude. That's not good for sales. How many grandmas know how to work iTunes? Guess what. The judges loved it!
Casey sang Nat King Cole's "Nature Boy" from The Boy With the Green Hair. Oh, there was some touch and go there with Casey. Jimmy and Will didn't want him to sing this, but he did it anyway, like a real "rock star." With his upright base and jaw that never ceases to surprise me with its size, Casey put his heart and soul into a performance I find hard to even recall. Sure, he sang with passion, but ... what else happened again? Ohhhh, right. There was some scatting I believe. Thanks but no thanks on the "scat." To use a Randy-ism from seasons past, it was just OK for me. Guess what. The judges loved it! And gave him a standing ovation! (Are they really that starved for jazz that they think that deserved a standing O?)
Haley sang Blondie's "Call Me" from American Gigolo. Screech McGees once again braved the red lipstick and pranced around the stage like she's performed exactly twice in her entire life. Haley owns nothing up there. I think Haley's inner monologue goes "OK, one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand ... HAIR FLIP! OK. One one thousand ... TAKE A STEP!" Guess what. The judges loved it!
Jacob sang "Bridge Over Troubled Water" from Pursuit of Happyness, and someone had his tail between his legs, didn't he. Jimmy let Jacob have it, preaching to us last week about looking ourselves in the mirror, and Jacob deserved it. His performance was fine. I mean, I guess it was amazing but I don't like his singing one bit. My mom, on the other hand, is a huge Jacob fan, but she also still does the "cabbage patch" dance, so to say her finger is far from the pulse of pop culture is an understatement. And to be honest, I loved Jacob's unfounded confidence last week. I was like, ooooh, feisty! His loss of hubris now just makes him look dull and weak. Guess what. The judges loved it!
James sang (sang?) Sammy Hagar's "Heavy Metal" from Heavy Metal. What.the.fudge. WHY DOES JAMES KEEP SAYING IT'S HIS MUSIC. WHY DOES HE THINK HE'S SMARTER THAN EVERYONE. WHY IS HE STILL HERE. As James' ego gets out of hand, as will my use of caps lock. GO HOME, DURBS. Guess what. The judges loved it!
Bottom three: J. Lo, Randy, Steven. I vote them all off. But contestant-wise, it's gotta be Jacob, Scotty, and Haley. Paul is bottom four.
All right. What did you think? I'm going to try and calm down now.
Photo via americanidol.com