Christie Brinkley Ain't No 'Roxie,' But These 5 Actresses Are

Nicole Fabian-Weber
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Will the real Roxie Hart please stand up? Clearly, the murdering showgirl role in Chicago isn't a specific one because Christie Brinkley is now set to play her on Broadway after actresses (and I use that word loosely) like Brooke Shields, Ashlee Simpson, and Michelle Williams (from Destiny's Child). Quite the range there, huh? By no means do I think these women are great talents of our time, but one of these things is not like the other? Which "actress" is the worst choice for the role of Roxie because she has little to no experience performing? Hint: She's currently playing her.

Christie Brinkley? Uptown girl? She's not an actress. Or a singer. She's a woman who's retired from her job of standing. What the heck is she doing frolicking around on stage on Broadway? Marketing ploy to lure a different demo in (other retired models)? Or just bad choice? Either way, I am currently playing the role of casting director, and I've fired Christie and put offers out to the following women...

Kim Kardashian. Hear me out, my reason is two-fold. One, it would be funny to see her on stage trying to act -- and she'd look good in the costumes. Two, maybe it would keep her from being everywhere else we turn. She would be busy each night, so we could get a break from paparazzi pictures of her in 'da club. And during the day, she'd be too tired from the night before to go out and ... do whatever she does.

Kristen Stewart. It would be nice to see a little pep out of the girl. She's always just biting her lip, and speaking softly, and making out with Robert Pattinson. Maybe she really is a vampire, because half the time she barely seems alive.

Megan Fox. To be completely frank, I can't believe she hasn't done Broadway yet in an attempt to be "taken seriously." And it would be the first time Chicago is packed to the brim with 14-year-old boys.

Gloria James, LeBron James' mom. Maybe if she nabbed a role in a Broadway play (or did anything) we could all actually justify her screaming at valets and smacking them in the face.

Tina Fey. Because I love her so much!

Boom, casting done. You're welcome, Broadway. I'm out!

Who do you think would be a better choice for the role of Roxie?

 

Image via david_shankbone/Flickr

 

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