The American Idol results show last night was breathtaking. It wasn't pretty, but it sure did leave me gasping for air. First of all, Iggy Pop performed. He looked great for having been frozen for the last 20 years in a cryonics lab. He thawed well, stayed limber, and somehow managed to keep his tan. Constantine Maroulis sang, which no one cared about. He reminds me of the guy who's 22 who shows up to high school parties and everyone's like, "Oh, awesome! Constantine is here!" And then behind his back we're all "Oh my god, don't ever let me be that guy. So lame."
Anyway, so Iggy and Constantine filled the time before we got to the meat and potatoes of the show: the results.
Well sh*t fire and save matches, f*ck a duck and see what hatches, those were some results.
I called two out of the bottom three: I had Stefano and Jacob right. But I didn't have Pia in the bottom three. I wouldn't even have put her in the bottom six. When she and Stefano were holding hands, waiting to hear who would be leaving the show, all I could think about was how I hope Stefano declines the opportunity to sing his swan song. And how he has shark eyes. And how he'll be happier at home, singing in a local boy band he's sure to form.
Then Seacrest dropped the bomb heard round Idol fandome that Pia would be leaving us. J. Lo burst into inconsolable sobs, a river of tears colored with mascara and foundation ran through the crowd, sweeping away small children and Iggy Pop in a tsunami of sadness. Steven Tyler, who was woken up by the uproar, asked, "Who's Pia?" then went back to sleep, and Randy said that by golly, he never gets mad, and shoot! He's mad.
Here's what I think. Pia wasn't going to win anyway, but she did get voted off way too soon. The judges assumed it was because we Americans didn't vote for her because we all figured she'd be safe. I'm not so sure that's the case though. We didn't vote for her because she's kind of a snooze fest. She's an amazing singer! She's so pretty! And we learned last night that she has huge boobs, too! But! But. She's boring. I think that's where she lost us. We need an Idol who makes us feel comfortable, like we're all besties on this road trip called life. Lauren does that for us. Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood ... they did that for us. And they're wildly successful. Pia would have been as much fun on a road trip as a teething 2-year-old.
So, Pia, good-bye my love. I'll stand by you. I'll staaaaaand by you. Ain't nobody gonna hurt you, I'll stand by you. (But, just, not on the Idol stage anymore.)
What do you think of Pia's elimination? Do you think the judges are kind of upset they used their save on Casey?
Photo via americanidol.com