I said it last week, folks. We need a merge on Survivor: Redemption Island, we need a shake-up, we need The Probst to come out naked for Tribal Council ... maybe not that last one, but we need something as Survivor has been boring with a capital Y-A-W-N. Even Crazypants Phillip is getting stale.
And last night’s episode was going along at the same pace. It was basically just Sarita vs. Dave over at Zapatera, while Jedi Rob vs. Crazypants Phillip was happening at Ometepe. We knew from the get-go that one of those four would be heading to Redemption Island by the end. The rest of the 40someodd minutes was just filler, boring, meh ... 'til the final few fabu moments of the show.
But we’ll get to that soon enough (tee hee!).
We start right after Tribal Council last week, in the dark, infrared camera work, with Sarita and my man Dave going at it. It seems most of the Zapatera Six is with Sarita. Why they can't see she brings nothing to the tribe is beyond me. Maybe they just don't like Dave, maybe they hate lawyers, maybe they have their heads up their youknowwhats.
We get to Redemption Island early and see Stephanie and Matt, who, though he is a good, kind boy, has had about enough of Stephanie's constant yabbering and wants to get to the duel ASAP.
And he gets his wish -- it's Duel Time! Ometepe sends Crazypants Phillip and Jedi Rob, Zapatera sends Dave and Ralph. The Probst reminds all of us Matt’s been there 12 nights, won 4 duels. I am calling him Matt Skywalker from now on, folks. The Probst goes on to tell us that, at this stage in the game, mental fatigue sets in -- and so, the duel is a big game of Memory for Stephanie and Matt Skywalker! Aw, Kiddo and I just played this yesterday.
Matt Skywalker gets kinda lucky, we think it is close, but Stephanie makes a critical error and Matt Skywalker wins his fifth duel. As she leaves, Stephanie cries … and breaks down the whole game for those listening. Dang, Producers, hear me on this: Stephanie has to be on the next All Stars. At the end, Phillip starts spouting some samurai warrior crap at Matt Skywalker, who thanks the man who is ohsocrazypants.
On the way back to camp, Jedi Rob knows Crazypants Phillip is after him, and when Crazypants Phillip asked how much of the info he wants to share with the tribe, Rob tells him to be straight up -- and will use the fact Phillip asked that against him. Poor Crazypants Philip. He keeps thinking he's in the game, really playing it, strategizing, but he can't get one up on Jedi Rob. But Jedi Rob has The Force ... and he knows full well just how dangerous crazy can be. Jedi Rob tells the Head Minion Grant and the Robettes all what Phillip said to him, puts the focus on the crazy in the camp, which allows Jedi Rob to continue to run the game.
Over at Zapatera, it's still Sarita vs. Dave, and it still isn’t looking good for Dave. Didn't I tell you it was all filler? Even the tirade of all Crazypants Phillip tirades seems old. The Crispy Rice Incident kicks it off. Phillip wants some of the crispy rice, which the Robettes are guarding for Jedi Rob, so Phillip proceeds to get all freako. Rants about how as the elder he should be given special treatment, not Rob. At some point, there’s a "Hell yeah!" and a "Hell no!" ... though we should note there are no Federal Agent reminders.
Immunity/Reward Challenge Time! It is an obstacle course -- the tribes have to dive through hay, get bags off a hook, crawl through through ropes and towers, and break through bricks, and then they have to get six smallish sponge balls into a long skinny basketball hoop. Zapatera gets off to a bad start, BUT Dave finally takes over for Sarita while getting the bags, and they gain the lead and remain there until shooting the balls at the end ... when Head Minion Grant pulls it out for Ometepe (remember he was a former NFL player, but, um, so was Steve?). Ometepe wins and heads to a picnic. Dave’s efforts and Sarita’s mongo fails are entered as Exhibits A and B for Tribal Council.
Okay, now before the commercial break, Phillip poses with the immunity idol and is in an oddly giddy, eerie discussion about their tribe winning. Did anyone else think he was in a weird, alternate universe, crazypants version of a commercial with that Old Spice Guy? Think about it ...
Ometepe has the picnic on top of a volcano, which even impresses Jedi Rob. He maintains his control of the Force and finds the Hidden Immunity Clue. At this point, I am no longer bored. I am angry. C'mon, Robettes! Has anyone watched this show before? Are your braids too tight? Yes, Jedi Rob finds the clue ... and throws it into the volcano. My jaw dropped. No. He. Did. Nt.
Tribal Counsel time and I'm still angry. Zapetara is going to screw up again and keep Sarita the useless tribemate. They should keep Dave, the smart and tough teammate who says the stuff no one wants to hear but is the truth. Both are on the chopping block, but it seems they too have their heads up their youknowwhats. I watch as The Probst reveals the votes -- and I almost spit out my Merlot! Sarita is booted and sent to Redemption Island. YES! Finally, Zapatera makes the right choice ... probably a bit too late, but still a good move.
And it gets better!! Did you watch the teaser seconds of what’s happening next episode? We will no longer be bored. We will no longer be angry. Our pleas have been heard.
Next week: MERGE! Oh yeah, oh yeah, it's my birth-day, oh yeah, shake your boo-tay! My hope going into the merge? Jedi Rob makes a covert alliance with Dave, who I will now refer to as Yoda Dave.
Are you ready for the merge on Survivor: Redemption Island?
Image via CBS