'Mad Men' Season 5 Delays Make Me Want to Drink Like Don Draper

Sheri Reed

Don Draper Mad Men Jon Hamm

Missing you, Don ...

Season 5 of Mad Men is definitely coming back this summer! No, it's not. Yes, it is. Mad Men is going to be cancelled! No, it's not, but it won't be back until early 2012. ACK! Make up your minds, people! All this back and forth about the next much-anticipated season of Mad Men is going to make us all nuts. Not to mention -- WHERE IS MY SHOW???

It's been pretty irritating to hear how negotiations with creator-executive producer Matt Weiner are causing this lengthy production holdup. I mean, get it together already and make the show you're so good at making! But then it was revealed that Weiner wasn't just fighting about all his tens of millions of dollars, he was actually fighting cuts to some VITAL components of my show -- like its main characters!

Step back, AMC and Lionsgate. What the heck are you trying to do to my Mad Men?

Weiner is objecting to these three requests from AMC/Lionsgate:

1. Add product placement into the series -- Alright, I know it's a touchy subject for creatives, but I think there's a way to do this. No big deal on a show set in an ad agency, is it?

2. Cut two minutes from each episode to allow for more ads -- Okay, well, it doesn't make me happy, but if it's this or my show, then fine ...

3. Axe two regular cast members to save money -- Um, WTF? Now they're just talking crazy. Don't you dare touch my Don Draper or my Peggy Olson or my Joan. Hands off Betty Whatshernewlastname -- go ahead and kill off her boring husband Henry, but don't you touch my Betty -- and give her some better storylines, will you? Step away from my Pete Campbell and my Roger Sterling, both of whom I love to pity. Leave Harry and Ken Cosgrove and Paul alone. And bring back Salvatore Romano while you're at it. Miss you, Salvatore! And whatever you do, don't touch a single hair on the head of my Sally or her creepy friend Glen.

Which characters does that leave -- well, I guess you're free to off Lane, Bertram, boring Henry, or Joan's rapist husband. Is Faye already gone or not? I can't even remember since it's been FOREVER since the last episode. If not, she's another one I wouldn't miss. Go ahead and kill Don's son Bobby if you want. Let's just pretend he never existed though so as not to have to deal with tons of numb, drunk, emotionally detached Don and Betty scenes. On second thought ...

Anyway, hope I made myself clear -- let's get this show back on the TV! I've been sober for 10 years, but this malarkey is threatening to drive me to drink.

Which character(s) would you like to see go -- IF Mad Men ever comes back?


Image via AMC

Read More