'Survivor Redemption Island' Recap: I Barely Survived This Ho-Hum Episode

survivor recapIn every reality TV show, in every season, there’s a point where you are sitting on the couch thinking, “Can we just fast forward a few episodes? There are too many people. I'm bored.” We’re at this point in Survivor: Redemption Island. There are too many people (I still can’t remember some of their names). We know they will, most likely, not make it to the end -- mainly because they aren't doing diddly-squat to get there right now. But we have to watch.

Sigh. Yawn.

Okay, if we must, let's get to the recap of this boring new episode ...


We open as Krista comes to Redemption Island. She and Matt bond, pray, share hair tips. Methinks they could’ve had a showmance if they had been on the same tribes from Day 1, but alas, they have but one night and a few hours together 'til they must part ways.

We check in with the tribes. At Zapatera, Stephanie is trying to play nice, but it’s gonna be a long road for that, folks, while poor Steve’s ego is a little deflated since she wrote down his name. At Ometepe, we see Jedi Rob and the Robettes having a spa day (watching Natalie and Ashley pick at each other’s underarms is just gross). But everyone is relaxing, chilling out, braiding hair. Everyone except for Phillip. I kinda feel sorry for him ... for about three seconds and then that fades. Why? Because he’s crazypants and brought this on himself. But I agree with him -- the Robettes are useless.

Duel Time! Before the duel, Krista is given her comfort item (a Bible), and Matt seems to be a bit off his game. Andrea and Natalie from Ometepe and Julie and Mike from Zapatera witness Krista vs. Matt. The duel is a two-parter: first they have to retrieve three bags with a grappling hook while standing on a little stone.

(I have to pause here. I think everyone should have a grappling hook. Dude! They look so handy-dandy. Really, think about it: you need to grab that box from the top of the shelf? No need to get a ladder, just toss your grappling hook! Yes, every household needs one, I say!)

Back to the duel: the second part is like an over-sized game you played as a kid -- rolling a ball through a maze, but this maze is as big as a table and you have to maneuver the ball through it by moving this table. Krista jumps out to a big lead, but as they get into the maze, Matt pulls out another win. Another nice editing job to make us think Krista was gonna maybe win. In a nice gesture, Krista leaves her Bible for Matt, which makes Andrea a bit jealous. So, Krista burns her buff, and Matt now has won four duels. 

And we check in with the tribes (again) and it's same old, same old stuff  -- because, as I've mentioned, we are at that stage when not much else happens but the same stuff. At Zapareta, Sarita has toothache and Julie calls her a drama queen princess, blah blah blah. But, finally, my man Dave is making his move. He and Stephanie devise a plan for her to reach out to everyone one-on-one in an attempt to get Sarita out. Stephanie tries to suck up to Steve ... which works. Not sure if it was her acting, his ego wanting to be stroked, or what. This girl is good -- I see Stephanie on the next All Stars for sure. But the best thing: I discovered Ralph sounds exactly like Jim Nabors. Next time he talks, close your eyes and you will be shocked, waiting for him to bust out with a “Shazam!”

At Ometepe? Phillip is still doing all of the work, no one else is doing anything. He and Ashley have a tiff. Jedi Rob tries to bridge the gap, but that gap is just too wide. All he can do is make sure they still keep on winning.

Which leads us to Immunity/Reward Challenge Time! It is a "launching balls, catching balls" contest. Doesn’t matter what color ball, you want to catch it in your net. This is the first challenge when they may just get physical, get dirty, get a little nasty, baby. Unfortunately, it was no contest. Ometepe won 5-zip. Head Minion Grant got 4 of the 5 -- the dude is a former NFL player. Hence, no surprises in this episode even in the challenge.

Ometepe enjoys the feast -- where Jedi Rob uses the Force and zones in on another Hidden Immunity Clue on the table. Head Minion Grant gets it, and the two not-so-covertly go off to read it. But leave it to Crazypants Phillip to ruin their moment. He sneaks up on them, they try to hide it, but they can’t. Crazypants Phillip then has a fabulously crazypants tirade: he is peeved that they were trying to hide the clue, he talks about his lion and gorilla tattoos (again), he mentions being a federal agent (again), he says he is gonna kick some butt (again). He has like five different personalities, folks. Soon, very soon, we may have to come up with some other classification beyond crazypants.

Zapatera heads to tribal council. Stephanie still tries to stir it up. Sarita still keeps cradling her chin. Ralph still sounds like Jim Nabors. Dave pulls out his Super Law-talking Powers and makes a strong case to vote out Sarita. But it wasn't enough. Stephanie is voted out and heads to Redemption Island.

Sigh. Like I said, we need a merge, we need a BIG shake-up, we need a double tribal council. We need something. Anything! Please. I’m bored.

What did you think of Survivor: Redemption Island last night?


Image via CBS

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